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A Therapist’s Guide to What Self Care Really Means

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I entered the counseling world around the same time that old-school mental health phrases like “self-care,” “boundaries,” and “toxic relationships” were beginning to become available for widespread use in an almost trendy fashion.  Phrases only once heard from psychology professors or your personal therapist were suddenly plastered across Instagram and used widely by celebrities and laypeople alike.

While one could argue that this is a great leap for mental health awareness (and I wholeheartedly agree), I find it important to investigate the true meaning behind some of these terms.  We need not lose sight of the long-term implications of what self-care, and other therapeutic terminology, truly means.

Most of us can sense that the need for self-care is often quite high.  After all, we live in a culture that perpetually upholds busy-ness and exhaustion as badges of honor. But I’m not talking about the “buy yourself some chocolate and watch Hallmark” self-care.  I am referring to the kind of self-care that is sustaining and consistent.

If I refuse to listen to the building of my body’s cues telling me I need a break, or a snack, or a hug, I eventually reach breaking point.  And if I choose chocolate and television every time I reach the breaking point, I’m no longer practicing self-care. I’m practicing burn-out.

While chocolate and Hallmark-type scenarios have their places, we must use these moments sparingly and begin to view self-care as an ongoing practice, not a last-resort indulgence.

True self-care is different each day.  It entails mindfulness and intentionality, but also some self-grace and a few deep breaths here and there.

There are days you propel into the day headfirst with lists and meetings, and days you sit on your couch and consider what is next in life.  There are days for celebration and days of struggle. Sometimes, a day holds all of these in one.

Over time, self-care can provide a heightened awareness; you slowly build the emotional and mental capacity needed to make decisions in the moment for your present and future needs.  Professionals and scientists often call this “interoceptive awareness” (Craig, 2002).

But the problem with the trendy, instantly-gratifying “treat yourself” version of self-care is that it doesn’t allow room for us to slow down enough to listen to these needs appropriately.

Self-care takes practice.  It involves processing daily observations of one’s bodily, emotional, physical, and mental responses, and storing these details to help make future decisions.  Our brains, with their amazing neuroplasticity and power to adapt, are actually equipped do this naturally.  But in our hurried lives we often spend decades pushing down these cues, stopping for air and awareness only when we are completely spent.

Self-care doesn’t mean that every day is sunshine. Sometimes we must experience situations that are not pleasant. But with proper self-care on either side of these difficult seasons, we are able to return to normal balance at a quicker rate and have vaster knowledge of where to reach for support when we recognize signs that our normal equilibrium is off-kilter. This is actually the marker for interoceptive awareness: that we increasingly learn over time how to regulate, or “bounce back” from stressful or difficult events.

You can make self-care a practice at any time.  I’ve collected a few resources below, but as always encourage you to reach out to a professional if you feel you would like a helping hand to re-discover the natural balance of your own life.  It is not a quick fix, nor is it always easy.  But overall, it is worth it to practice awareness of all your different abilities and strengths.  You just might surprise yourself.

 

Some places to start:

Breathe: A simple place to start is belly breathing and 4-7-8 breathing.  Like anything involving self-care, this takes practice.  I often compare deep breathing to learning to practicing a sport; we must train our brains to regulate through breathing if we aren’t used to doing so.  But once we are accustomed to the practice, we can naturally regulate ourselves through stressful moments without purposefully counting or intentionally focusing on each breath.  It makes “game time” (or the really stressful moment) much easier, because the muscle memory is already in place.

Use HeadSpace: an app to assist in practicing meditation and slowing down the body to better listen to its cues.

Move your body: Find movement you enjoy.  Try to separate it from weight loss and body image thoughts, and pay attention to the feelings and experiences associated with different kinds of exercise.

Practice Intuitive Eating: Intuitive Eating is a program developed by registered dieticians; it is an evidence-based call to learn to listen to the body’s natural hunger and fullness cues. (by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD, and Elyse Resch, MS, RD, FADA, CED, RD).  Studies indicate that practicing Intuitive Eating can raise your overall interoceptive awareness.

Develop your Faith: if you are part of a faith community, find ways to become involved or seek help and community.  Self-awareness includes exploration of your spiritual self and beliefs about humanity.

Community: Step outside of yourself. Interact in-person a couple times a month, even if you identify as an introvert. Take note of your emotional, physical, and mental states surrounding these interactions.  Which kinds of people fulfill your need for connection? Which people do not? Answering these questions helps you better learn when and when not to interact in certain environments according to your present energy level.

Participate in an activity you love: Have you ever gotten so lost in something enjoyable you felt untouched by the outside world? For some this is painting, reading, or running. Positive psychology calls this flow, and studies show that it increases happiness and boosts creative brain activity. Watch a clip about it here https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/mihaly-csikszentmihalyi-father-of-flow/

or read about it in Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly-Csikszentmihalyi

Do something difficult: Getting lost in the humdrum of our day-to-day routines can extinguish our need for feeling accomplished.  What can you try that is new and a little bit scary? How do you feel when you are victorious at a task you’ve been avoiding? (For me this is as simple as cleaning out that garage I’ve been staring at for months.  What is it for you that you’ve been avoiding but really want to tackle?)

Monitor your screen time: Your phone even does it for you, now! How often are your mindlessly scrolling, as opposed to bringing awareness to your surroundings and experiences?

Chocolate and Hallmark: Because sometimes, y’all, it is truly the perfect moment for it.

 

References:

Benson, H., & Stuart, E. M. (1993). Awareness of your body’s feedback. In The Wellness book: The comprehensive guide to maintaining health and treating stress-related illness. New York: Simon & Schuster.

Craig, A. D. (2002). How do you feel? Interoception: The sense of the physiological condition of the body. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 3(8), 655-666. doi:10.1038/nrn894

Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2009). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Row.

Walton, A. (2018, January 17). 7 Ways Meditation Can Actually Change The Brain. Retrieved December 20, 2018, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/02/09/7-ways-meditation-can-actually-change-the-brain/#29dca5e61465

Taking That Parent-Teen Disagreement Down A Level

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If there’s a teen in your home, odds are overwhelming that there have been parent-teen disagreements, perhaps even hot and heavy fights. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Parents and their teens disagreeing is a normal part of the developmental process. Young children easily accept the black and white rules we create for them (“No snacks just before dinner!”). But as our kids grow up they begin to learn that not everything is an absolute and that there are often shades of gray or alternatives. The result is that they will increasingly question and test us. It may be frustrating for parents, and often the fuel for parent-teen arguments, but it’s actually a healthy, normal part of becoming more mature.

While only time will make that questioning and testing disappear (and even adulthood may not stop it), there are ways you can keep the disagreements from getting out of hand now.
A starting point is simply accepting that as your child grows he or she will instinctively question rules and decisions, and often want to debate you. When you can accept that this is just naturally going to take place as your maturing child seeks more independence, it can be easier to not let such occurrences make you angry and frustrated. Instead, try to develop techniques to avoid the fights.

One key is taking a non-aggressive attitude in disagreements. If your immediate response to your teen questioning your judgment is one of anger and zero compromise, you can probably expect the same back in response. Instead, stay calm, use a rational tone of voice and make it clear you’re willing to listen and discuss. Setting that example helps your child understand that you expect the same sort of response from him or her.

You’ll want to avoid words and accusations that put your child on an angry defensive. You’ll want to control your anger, and instead consider options and compromises that both of you can live with. When you disagree with something the teen has done or wants to do, make it very clear your disapproving of the behavior itself, not your child.
Questioning and disagreeing is a regular factor in growing up and learning to be more self-sufficient. When disagreements occur, understand why, stay calm and non-combative and you’ll avoid major fights that end in hurt feelings and distrust of each other.

CounselingWorks provides family Christian counseling on an affordable sliding fee scale. Contact us to schedule an appointment.

This article is provided by the American Counseling Association. Visit the ACA website at www.counseling.org.

Recovering From A Mistake

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It happens to all of us. We’re in a situation where we have to perform, make a decision, or accomplish something important, and instead, we fail. We freeze up, or make a poor decision or simply don’t deliver the results that were expected. The outcome isn’t pleasant and we are embarrassed.

The reality, of course, is that no one can be right all the time. We may fail at something but, hopefully, it usually isn’t the end of the world. The problem happens when we find it hard to get past that mistake or failure. Instead of simply going, “Oops!” and telling ourselves we’ll do better next time, we dwell on our mistake and find it makes us timid and afraid to take on new things if there appears to be any type of risk involved.

This can seem difficult to overcome, especially if the previous mistake has had serious ramifications, but in most cases you can move on successfully. A starting point is to see a failure not simply as an ending point, but rather as a mistake from which you can learn and improve. It’s important to realize that you are much more than that mistake or failure.
Life is a learning experience. Yes, there will be things that make you nervous, perhaps really scare you, but when you have the courage to face such events, even if you may eventually fail at them, you’re taking action to learn and to build a better you. And the result will be, after time, that things that once made you nervous or scared are now clearly in the domain of things you can handle.

The key is to not dwell on the past but rather to keep moving forward. When faced with something that may contain some risk, it’s important to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Try to evaluate how you would deal with that negative outcome. Is it possible that not succeeding might even have positive benefits in the long run?
Too often we focus on the immediate present, seeing what has happened as a major disaster. But when we take the time to step back and evaluate the disaster, it usually turns out that while it was an outcome you may wish hadn’t happened, it’s almost always one you can move past.

Learn from a setback and you’ll be less anxious about trying once again.

CounselingWorks provides family Christian counseling on an affordable sliding fee scale. Contact us to schedule an appointment.

This article is provided by the American Counseling Association. Visit the ACA website at www.counseling.org.