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Gatekeeping for Faith Leaders, PT 1

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Gatekeeping for Faith Leaders, Part 1:

How do I know when to refer someone to counseling?

I have been a church kid my entire life, and involved in the mental health community for my entire adult life. My experiences in these spaces have led me to realize that, on the topic of mental health, there is nothing more beautifully supportive than a well-intentioned Christian.

On the same topic, there is nothing more harmful than a well-intentioned Christian.

Hold up. What now?

It is true. The difference in whether a well-intentioned person is helpful or harmful is the knowledge of their own competencies and limitations in the service of another person.

Imagine this.

Your neighbor, a member of your local church, has a burst pipe at his house. It is flooding and the water is seeping everywhere, but he is out of town taking care of his ailing mother. You, with zero plumbing experience but a big heart and desire to help, grab a flashlight and wrench and determine that you will singlehandedly solve this problem for your friend and neighbor.

I am almost certain that your friend would prefer that you instead call a plumber and help by overseeing that the repairs are completed in a timely manner.

Ok, silly example is complete.

The point made here is that caring about someone does not necessarily make us competent to serve them with every need that arises. Sometimes it is kindest to know where our abilities end. We all have roles and gifts; one of the ways we use them discerningly is by helping people seek additional support that we cannot personally give them.

The next three Gatekeeping articles are for everyone involved in a faith community, but are especially meant for leaders, pastors, preachers, and mentors; your attention to this matter is vital in the well-being of the people you serve and live amongst.

I am a therapist who has worked with many people of faith. I cherish the moments that church leaders and mental health professionals work in tandem to provide care for the people of God’s kingdom. It is what, in some ways, brought me to this field.

Both of us, mental health professionals and faith leaders, must work diligently to build our individual competencies and to also have the discernment to know when to say “hmmm, you know who I think maybe you should talk to?”

Here are my tips for faith leaders in their role as gatekeepers for mental and emotional health services.

1. Know that your role is invaluable in the mental and emotional well-being of the people in your church.

Especially in certain demographics and regions of the country, many people are more likely to approach their faith leader about a mental illness prior to a therapist.

You are a trusted resource. You take the initiative to be active in the lives of the people you serve. You yourself are a safe space. And because of this, your guidance could positively impact the way in which a person decides to seek professional help.

But you are not the only gatekeeper; the gatekeeping roles are exchangeable. There are many moments in the counseling room in which I have encouraged a client to speak to their faith leader or mentor about a specific doctrinal topic because their discussions began to move into territory in which I am not qualified to guide them. It is also a major part of my counseling process to help clients cultivate support systems; I frequently ask about their relationships with their faith communities and how these spaces could be part of their healing.

We need each other in a professional sense. But most importantly, the people we serve need us to be revolving-door types of gatekeepers. When these individuals can move freely between our church buildings and counseling rooms with confidence that both their spiritual identity and their emotional pain can be respected and nurtured, then we are doing our job well.

For a person of faith, there is a deeply spiritual aspect of the therapeutic process. The more we embrace these connections, the more our clients are able to be genuine, open participants in the counseling process and in their community of support.

2. Know that you are only one person.

Another reason to refer a person to professional counseling resources is because you, my friend, are a single person. It should not be your responsibility to carry the mental and emotional burdens of every individual in your congregation when an entire community of believers exists to support them. Community means that you are not the only person responsible for another’s well-being. As Mother Theresa famously stated, “we belong to each other.” That includes you, too. Let us help you help them.

3. Know when to refer.

Sometimes part of your role as a mental health gatekeeper will be to triage a client’s ability to remain safe until an appointment with a professional. In these moments the immediacy for professional intervention will be clear.

(Note: In the third installment of this series, we will cover safety assessments and emergency resources. I also suggest completing a training in Mental Health First Aid ).

Substance abuse, infidelity and marriage issues, trauma, abuse, and self-harm are some obvious examples of experiences that easily warrant a referral to professional resources.

Plenty more concerns can fly under the radar, though, and it is important to be attuned to some of the clues that a person may benefit from counseling services.

Look for:

  • Lack of social supports
  • Low level of functioning in daily activities
  • High-stress in the Family system/ chaotic environment
  • Developmental delays in individual or other family member
  • Extended or abnormal grief
  • Lack of variation in emotions
  • Extreme variation or changes in emotions
  • Strong, identifiable changes in appearance, hygiene, mood, activity level, or participation in once-loved activities or social events

My rule of thumb is that if you are on the fence about making a referral, make it. There is a reason you have a gut reaction that counseling could help (which may even be a nudge from the Spirit). And since attending counseling with a trusted, ethical professional is never something that is going to harm someone, making the referral will not hurt. Worst case scenario is that the person refuses to go, or they determine that counseling is not for them. You, on the other hand, have done your best to provide options for resources that a person may even return to in the future.

I would also suggest familiarizing yourself with the Quick Reference on Mental Health for Faith Leaders and keeping it on hand.

4. Know where to refer.

My biggest suggestion is to know your trusted local mental health resources and keep in contact with them as needed. Maybe even take some training courses from them on topics you would like to brush up on!

Make sure to have a list of referrals for different levels of care. Individual counseling may not be a fit for someone who really needs residential or inpatient services.

Know what referrals you trust before the time comes to need them. Part of this process may include asking counseling centers or individual counselors about whether they are trained in integrating spirituality in the counseling process. Being choosy about where you refer your church members can help build that trusting “revolving gate” between yourself and the professionals who will best serve your community of believers.

Note: ChristianWorks’ CounselingWorks ministry offers a sponsorship program in which churches can help their members afford quality, licensed counseling services. Visit our site for more information.

5. Know how to have the referral conversation.

First, you need to know what counseling is like. Are you able to describe what a counselor’s role is and how it differs from your own? You are a big part of helping decrease the stigma surrounding mental health support; having an accurate description of it is necessary.

Some of my favorite things to share with someone that I am referring to counseling are:

  1. Counseling does not have to be forever, and the frequency can ebb and flow as needed.
  2. Counseling does not have to come with a diagnosis or medication. In fact, only a psychiatrist can prescribe medication, anyway!
  3. When I refer a friend to a counselor, I am not “pawning them off,” but am “walking with them” on their journey toward healing. I stress that they can always still talk to me as a confidant. I am not going anywhere just because they are seeing someone professionally, too.
6. Know what to do if the person refuses professional counseling.

Assess for safety (Part 3 on safety measures will cover this more fully). If a person is in immediate danger, your options are limited. If they are not, I suggest that you continue to be a support for that person, but make sure clear boundaries are put in place so that you are not being utilized as a mental health counselor.

If you do feel like you are being edged into a counseling role, make sure to clearly identify where your role begins and ends in assisting a person. Sometimes setting these boundaries can be mistaken for abandonment for some individuals.

Let’s address this by using another fun example.

If someone tried to guilt you into performing a brain surgery on them, even though you are not a surgeon, under the guise of “if you truly cared for me you would help instead of referring me,” you’d call the whole thing preposterous. Acting as a professional therapist when you are not one is similar.

Your role as a spiritual support and theological mentor is of paramount importance in a person’s healing, but there are specific ways you are not trained in therapeutic support. Attempting to offer therapeutic support could become harmful.

7. Know that your role continues after referrals:

I hope I have stressed that we absolutely want to have a relationship with you! You are not just a referral source, but a key element of community support for many people. We have a vested

interest in your feeling confident and comfortable in having these conversations. Let us know if you would like to have someone at ChristianWorks train your ministry team. Let us help you!

Stay tuned for Gatekeeping for faith leaders, part 2: What is my role after I refer someone to counseling? And Gatekeeping for faith leaders, part 3: Let’s Talk about Safety

References:

1. American Psychiatric Association Foundation. (2016). Mental health: A guide for faith leaders.

2. American Psychiatric Association Foundation. (2018). Quick Reference on Mental Health for Faith Leaders. Washington, DC; American Psychiatric Association Foundation.

3. Bolger, D., & Prickett, P. J. (2021). Where would you go? race, religion, and the limits of Pastor Mental Health Care in Black and Latino congregations. Religions, 12(12), 1062. https://doi.org/10.3390/rel12121062

4. National Guidelines for Behavioral Health Crisis Care – Samhsa. (2012, October 16). Retrieved March 16, 2023, from https://www.samhsa.gov/sites/default/files/national-guidelines-for-behavioral-health-crisis-care-02242020.pdf

5. Smith, J. (2019, July 25). A free mental health guide for faith leaders. Key Ministry. Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.keyministry.org/church4everychild/2019/7/2/a-free-mental-health-guide-for-faith-leaders

6. Training videos on mental health inclusion. Key Ministry. (n.d.). Retrieved March 15, 2023, from https://www.keyministry.org/training-videos-on-mental-health-inclusion

De-mystifying Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) for Curious or Concerned Parents

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The word “autism” was first coined in 1911 by a German psychiatrist who believed autism was a subtype of schizophrenia (spoiler alert: he was very, very wrong). Needless to say, the word has had a tumultuous history [1,9]. Throughout the decades, however, researchers and medical professionals have begun to better understand the inner world of a person with autism, and we have thankfully come to define it much differently today.

Presently, Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) can be described simply as “a neurological and developmental disorder that affects how people interact with others, communicate, learn, and behave” [13]. This definition is broad, of course, but with reason, as “ASD exists along a continuum of neurodiversity” and cannot be described by a single example [8].

Throughout the history of autism’s changing definitions, many different schools of thought have been established regarding Autism Spectrum Disorder’s cause, diagnosis, symptoms, treatment, and even the language used to describe it [1]. One of the complicating factors in defining and treating autism is the wide range of presentations and severity of symptoms that persist across its spectrum.

As ongoing research is conducted, professionals, family members, and people with autism all work to make the best decisions regarding healthcare and interventions for individuals in the autism community.

My goal in this article is to provide the reader with opportunities for learning more about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). I do not seek to establish myself as an expert on the topic of autism or of its treatment. Instead, I write as someone curious about how to best point clients and families toward further resources and services. I invite you to join me in learning more about how to support and respect people with autism.

Note: To read more about my decision to use person-first language in this article, please refer to the second subtitle below, “Person-first or Identity-first language.”

What is Autism Spectrum Disorder and what does it look like?

Many of us probably have a mental picture of someone with autism. Maybe yours is a replica of a character you have seen in media, such as Dustin Hoffman’s depiction of real-life individual Kim Peek in Rain Man . Or maybe it is of a person that you once knew in school, at church, or as a family friend. Regardless, each of us probably has some sort of connection to a person with autism. These experiences understandably shape our understanding of what autism can look like, but our personal experiences alone do not encompass the spectrum as a whole. What we think autism looks like based on our own limited experiences is only a drop in the bucket.

Most likely your interactions with adults with autism are much higher than you even realize. Recent CDC estimations identify that approximately 2.21% of adults in the United States have autism [3]. Was your mental picture a child? Mine was! But we often forget that ASD is a lifelong diagnosis that often continues to require support and intervention in various forms.

Let’s begin with some quick facts about Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD):

  • Can appear before or around the age of 2 [5, 8].
  • Often marked by the following observable symptoms [13]:
    • Difficulty with developmentally appropriate social interactions
    • Repetitive behaviors
    • Hyperfocus on certain interests
  • Symptoms impede normal functioning at school or work to varying degrees
  • A wide array of treatments exists and can be tailored to the individual and their families [6]

The symptoms listed above cast an incredibly wide net; they are generalizations of specific behaviors that may exist for a person with autism. To read more about what specific symptoms may persist in yourself or a family member, I suggest checking out these resources below. But as always, remember that no online checklist is a replacement for speaking with a professional who can offer individualized support.

  • CDC: Signs and Symptoms of ASD
  • CDC: Developmental Milestones
  • CDC: Milestone Checklist
  • M-CHAT-R Autism Screening Tool
  • National Institute of Mental Health
  • The Mayo Clinic
Person-first versus Identity-first language

In the professional community we make a point to use what is called “people first” language about a diagnosis or disorder that a person may have. People-first language, for example, would be to use the phrase “people with substance abuse” instead of “an addict.” This is a subtle but powerful way to avoid identifying a person by their struggle or diagnosis. It emphasizes their inherent personhood. In this article I use person-first language to respect this stance.

Within the autism community, however, there is great debate as to whether person-first or identity-first language is preferred [2, 10]. For example:

Person-first language: a man with autism

Identity-first language: an autistic man

On one hand, some people believe that autism is a key part of their identity, and since it is not a disease to be cured or a disorder to be ashamed of, they welcome the identity-first language.

Others, however, prefer person-first language to identify that they are so much more than their autism.

While someone untouched by the world of autism may feel like this distinction is nothing more than splitting hairs, we must remember that language is a powerful tool that ultimately shapes what we believe about a topic. The reduction of stigma often begins with the way we communicate.

My advice is to let a person who is autistic take the lead on this topic. If you are acquaintances with an adult who feels safe enough with you to share that they have a diagnosis of ASD, then I gather that they would most likely be comfortable with you asking if they prefer person-first or identity-first language. If nothing else, the conversation can also offer an opportunity for that person to talk about a part of themselves that others in their life may avoid mentioning altogether.

How to seek a diagnosis?
Who do I talk to if I am concerned my child has autism?

The best way for parents of children curious about a potential autism diagnosis is to make sure that your pediatrician is conducting developmental monitoring and screening. This essentially means that your regular pediatrician is asking pertinent developmental questions at each well-visit to ensure that your child is meeting milestones. The links to resources listed in the section above can guide you to a list of these milestones.

Yet, remember that you are your child’s best advocate! If you feel uneasy and want to ask extra questions, do not wait for your doctor to raise the topic of a certain milestone. Go ahead and ask about it! You know your child best and have a wealth of knowledge about his or her day-to-day behaviors and functions that your doctor may not be aware of.

Monitoring and screening tools, however, are not tools for direct diagnosis. Instead, these are resources that can be used to determine if it would be beneficial for your child to meet with a specialist who is trained in the diagnosis and treatment of autism.

What will the specialist do?

Most likely, this specialist will conduct a formal evaluation to screen for not only Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), but for other disorders that could be at play. The specialist conducting the evaluation should also be able to point you towards specific modalities for support, including local resources that could be a good fit for your child’s needs.

What is a formal evaluation?

Formal evaluations encompass a variety of methods of information-gathering to make sure that the most well-rounded picture of your child’s experience is being considered before any formal diagnoses are reached. Your specialist will not only be looking for the challenges presenting in your child’s life but will also be identifying their strengths. This will be helpful in moving forward with choosing services and programs that will best serve your child.

Autism is not diagnosed with a quick medical exam or test, which initially makes the process feel a little cumbersome and daunting for some families. A formal evaluation considers behaviors, overall functioning, communication, emotional regulation, social background and family history, developmental milestones (and more) to make a formal diagnosis.

But a positive benefit to this way of receiving diagnosis is that, through the process, the professional that you are working with will be going to great lengths to best understand your child (or yourself, if you are an adult). A quick blood test or medical exam could never accomplish this feat!

Reasons to seek diagnosis early

Seeking information about a potential autism diagnosis may feel scary, but early intervention is of paramount importance. Even if your child does not receive a diagnosis of autism, there could be other concerns with sensory issues, executive functioning, or developmental delays that also need to be addressed as early as possible. Evaluations can bring these things to light to help you support your child in a tailored manner.

Diagnoses are not meant to label a child just for labeling purposes or to ostracize, but to offer an avenue of education and intervention to help a child function socially, educationally, and emotionally in a way that is most supportive for themselves and for the family as a whole.

“A growing body of evidence supports the value of early diagnosis and treatment with evidence-based interventions, which can significantly improve the quality of life of individuals with ASD as well as of their carers and families” [8].

What happens after a diagnosis?

With so many presentations of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), there is no way to expect a singular intervention to benefit every person with ASD. Most families and individuals, with the help of their professionals that conduct the formal evaluation, pursue services that make the most sense for the challenges and strengths that they directly face.

A host of treatments and therapies exist to help people with autism function more freely and confidently in daily life. These can include medications, behavioral or psychological therapies, physical or occupational therapy, educational support, individualized or group therapy, and more [13]. Many of these treatments focus on behavior management and the development of interpersonal skills to assist a person in better functioning in his or her everyday social and academic/ work environments.

Finding services that are the best fit is not always a straightforward process; not to mention, a person’s treatment needs can change with each stage of development. This is why early diagnosis and intervention is incredibly important [8].

If you are seeking answers about your child or yourself in regard to autism and do not have a current pediatrician or primary care physician, a good DFW resource to contact is the University of North Texas’ Kristin Farmer Autism Center. They offer a variety of services to help you begin the process of better understanding and supporting your child or yourself.

Finally, don’t fret!

An autism diagnosis (or any diagnosis, for that matter) does not change who your child is at their core. It is a way for your child to be able to receive ample support in areas that are challenging, and to better understand his or herself.

Diagnoses are tools, not labels.

Diagnoses exist to help the people who have them make sense of their worlds and capitalize on their strengths with a little help from people who are trained to do so.

Resources:

1. Autism in the DSM. The Autism History Project. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://blogs.uoregon.edu/autismhistoryproject/topics/autism-in-the-dsm/

2. Callahan, M. (2018, July 12). Unpacking the debate over person-first vs. identity-first language in the autism community. Northeastern Global News. Retrieved March 4, 2023, from https://news.northeastern.edu/2018/07/12/unpacking-the-debate-over-person-first-vs-identity-first-language-in-the-autism-community/

3. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, April 7). Key findings: CDC releases first estimates of the number of adults living with autism spectrum disorder in the United States. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved March 4, 2023, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/features/adults-living-with-autism-spectrum-disorder.html

4. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, December 29). CDC’s Developmental Milestones. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html

5. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, March 28). Signs and symptoms of autism spectrum disorders. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/signs.html

6. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2022, March 9). Treatment and intervention services for autism spectrum disorder. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/autism/treatment.html

7. Default – Stanford Medicine Children’s health. What Is Autism Spectrum Disorder? (n.d.). Retrieved March 4, 2023, from https://www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=what-is-autism-spectrum-disorder-160-23

8. Elder, J., Kreider, C., Brasher, S., & Ansell, M. (2017). Clinical impact of early diagnosis of autism on the prognosis and parent-child relationships. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, Volume 10, 283–292. https://doi.org/10.2147/prbm.s117499

9. Evans, B. (2013). How autism became autism. History of the Human Sciences, 26(3), 3–31. https://doi.org/10.1177/0952695113484320

10. Identity-first language. Autistic Self Advocacy Network. (2011, August 4). Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://autisticadvocacy.org/about-asan/identity-first-language/

11. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. (2018, January 6). Autism spectrum disorder. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved March 4, 2023, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/autism-spectrum-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352928#:~:text=A%20child%20or%20adult%20with%20autism%20spectrum%20disorder,ability%20to%20say%20words%20or%20sentences%20More%20items

12. Timeline- The autism history project. The Autism History Project. (n.d.). Retrieved March 3, 2023, from https://blogs.uoregon.edu/autismhistoryproject/timeline/

13. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2023, February). Autism spectrum disorder. National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved March 4, 2023, from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/autism-spectrum-disorders-asd

Bridging the Divide: Maintaining Relationship with your Teenagers

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Bridging the Divide:

Maintaining Relationship with your Teenagers

For some reason I have this vivid memory from late childhood that stands out on the timeline of my life.

One evening on the way home from a church function, I remember telling my parents, “so instead of playing outside tonight, my friends and I just stood around and talked and it was…. kind of fun.”

In that very moment, I was already brutally aware of a distinct shift happening in myself. I harbored part excitement and part disappointment at the realization that such an adult type of activity of just talking had proven enjoyable for me.

Why that memory stuck with me all of these years is baffling. But I often point to it as the moment I began waving goodbye to childhood and setting my sights on adolescence.

________________________________

As adults, we easily forget how those adolescent watershed moments, all piled on top of each other, feel when they are happening. It is disorienting how quickly our brains and bodies change in a few short months (or weeks, perhaps) during that time of life.

What can feel almost more disorienting is watching a person we love enter adolescence.

When I taught 7th grade we endearingly called this time of life a mutant stage: There is constant transformation and unrecognizable behaviors and emotions just oozing out of a person. They are no longer who they were, and are still on the way to who they are becoming. It is a wildly dichotomous time of life.

The adolescent years are marked by a combination of risk-taking, emotional upheaval, burgeoning autonomy and independence, intense focus on relationship building and peer connections, exploration, and novelty seeking.

Whew. That is a lot.

But thankfully, as mental health professionals, we know that adolescence does not just have to be a season of life to endure, but a season of life in which to thrive.

I know, I know: If you are a parent of a teen you just threw something at me. Your house does not feel like it is thriving. I get it.

But hear me out.

The way you interact with your adolescent through this stage (which spans from the ages of 12-24, by the way), will in part determine how he or she learns to manage themselves into adulthood [2]. It feels shaky and disjointed. But it is supposed to; this is the training ground, not the race.

Think about it this way. Remember when your child was fresh and little and squishy and newly mobile (and didn’t talk back to you yet)? In new situations or unfamiliar play places he would probably inquisitively crawl away a little bit, but always keep an eye on where you were in the room. He would explore more confidently when he knew that your anchor of safety was still there for him.

In an ideal scenario, the same thing is happening in his teenage years. He is venturing further away with the understanding that you are still available for him to fall back on. He is proverbially looking over his shoulder toward the safety of his home, which gives him the confidence to continue to try out new elements of adulthood.

When we think of the shaky autonomy and independence of adolescence in this way it makes a little more sense, right? It is a way of practicing adulthood within safe parameters.

Risk-taking, in its various forms, is inevitably going to be a mark of the teenage years. It will feel tumultuous. But teens who have attuned parents willing to ride the waves of this season of life with them are going to be far more prepared for the treacherous waters of adulthood.

________________________________

Two of my favorite resources for parents whose children are entering this stage of life are the following books:

Brainstorm by Daniel J. Siegel

and

How to talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Brainstorm gives an easy-to-read overview of the neuroscience and practical wisdom of the adolescent stage. In re-skimming it this week I realized how calming of a tone Siegel has in speaking to both teens and their adults, alike. If you especially enjoyed The Whole Brain Child, the adolescent version Brainstorm will be a fantastic resource for you.

How to Talk so Teens will Listen is based off of the authors’ decades of work with families and offers practical, real-life examples of ways to begin conversations with your teens. This book helps you model basic communication skills and conflict resolution for and with your child. A chunk of the book is even depicted in cartoon form for a lighthearted touch.

________________________________

I have a teenager. Now what? Tips for thriving in the adolescent stage.
1. Own your own “stuff.”

One of my favorite types of counseling relationships is when I get to work with a parent whose child is also attending their own counseling. These are parents who are dedicated to modeling healthy relationship patterns for their child.

You see, it is easy for a parent to point toward the stage of adolescence as the sole contributor of relational troubles in a family.

The teen is, after all, the one who is in a tumultuous developmental stage and overtly learning to regulate emotions and manage relationships.

But a wise parent recognizes that his or her half of the relationship could be strengthened, too. It is often possible that certain teenage behaviors are triggering deep-seeded hurts for a parent that need to be addressed. Jumping to put a teen in therapy without self-reflection on a parent’s part only drives home the message that adolescence is a problem to be fixed.

Imagine how powerful of a message it would be if a parent says, “this is a hard time for both of us. I am going to see a counselor, myself, so I can be the best version for you right now.”

2. Consider the nuances of this unique developmental stage.

One of the major neurological aspects of the adolescent stage is the increase in the brain’s drive for reward. The neurotransmitter lovingly referred to as the “feel good hormone,” dopamine, which spikes when we experience pleasure, is working overtime in the brain of a teen. This leaves him or her frequently seeking stimulation and sometimes ignoring the potential risks of seeking these pleasurable experiences.

Siegel explains in Brainstorm that “this enhanced natural dopamine release can give adolescents a powerful sense of being alive when they are engaged in life” [p. 67].

Meanwhile, an adolescent is also experiencing great leaps in cognitive development, emotional intelligence, and capability for abstract thought. He or she is learning to think and process information in new ways, which eventually will assist in balancing out that natural excess of dopamine. But until that balance pans out, these new cognitive skills, juxtaposed with an intense drive to seek new and enjoyable experiences, results in the stereotypical picture of a teenager that we know and love: part adult, part child, figuring out who they are along the way.

And somewhere nearby, there stands a confused parent watching their child exist as a walking set of contradictions.

At the end of the day, know that your teen most likely craves to know that you recognize their growing cognitions and understanding of the world, and not just their impulsiveness. Ask them what they think about things: big topics, varying worldviews, the family discipline system, or frustrations with local government. Invite them into your adult world, however shakily they may toddle through it at first. Your job is to coach them through it, but coaching is hard to do if you do not allow them to play.

3. Do not avoid difficult conversations.

Be a safe space for open conversation before your child ever becomes a teen. You want them to come to YOU about difficult and sensitive topics, not Google or the locker room. Ignoring topics will not make them disappear, but will instead ensure that your child learns about them from peers and media instead of in a safe, nurturing space guided by your family principles.

Meanwhile, make time to connect with your teen without an agenda, too. If the only time you spend one-on-one time with your teen is when you are trying to have a semi-awkward conversation about the dangers of sex or drugs or rock-n-roll, they may begin to bristle when you ask to spend time with them.

I love how the authors of How to Talk to Teens say in their forward that “Teenagers need to be able to express their doubts, confide their fears, and explore options with a grownup who will listen to them nonjudgmentally and help them make responsible decisions.” [1].

4. Value the growing autonomy and independence

One of the biggest frustrations between teens and their parents that I see in the counseling room is the tension between a teen’s developmentally normal desire for autonomy, and a parent’s view of this growing autonomy as a direct attack on their role as a parent.

One major way to value this growing independence is to make space for your teen’s voice to matter in the management of the family. Obviously, you are still the adult in the room and you make the rules for your house. But that does not mean you cannot have open discussions with your teens about aspects of your parenting style or ways of operating. Maybe ask your child what they think an appropriate punishment is for something. Hear them out. You may not agree with what your teen says, but holding space for their voice to be heard allows them an opportunity to practice decision-making and problem-solving skills in real-time.

Also, avoid disciplining from your emotions. Your teen will notice if the consequences for their behavior vary according to your mood of the day and not the behavior itself.

I highly recommend chapter 3 of How to Talk to Teens, titled To Punish or not to Punish.

5. Do not parent in a void.

Dr. Siegel says it best in Brainstorm when he discusses how our single-family-centric, modern culture can sometimes provide a disservice for parents and teens alike.

When it comes to village life for the teen, during the time he or she is pushing against parents, there would be other adults in the tribe to whom the teen could turn for security and connection. But when the only close adult is your parent, the natural way to go in adolescence is entirely toward other adolescents (p 35).

Finding like-minded families to grow alongside can feel like a difficult feat in our modern lives. But the benefits for our children in growing up in a community are huge. Who are the people who will pick your kids up from somewhere they’re uncomfortable being on a Friday night? Who will feed them soup and listen to their breakup story when they’re embarrassed to tell you about it directly? Who will uphold your family values when you are not around because they want your children to succeed just as much as you do? Find that family. Be that family. Surround your teens with the adults you want them to emulate.

References:

1. Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2016). How to talk so teens will listen & listen so teens will talk. William Morrow.

2. Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm. the power and purpose of the teenage brain. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.

3. Wahlstrom, D., Collins, P., White, T., & Luciana, M. (2011, February 1). Developmental changes in dopamine neurotransmission in adolescence: Behavioral implications and issues in assessment. Brain and cognition. Retrieved February 9, 2023, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2815132/