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Growing Together: How to create collective goals in a marriage and family

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A funny thing happened the other day.

Well, let me back up and share this news with you: with a little effort and prayer, my daughter is finally sleeping through the night. It has brought consistency and relief to our entire household, including her. She is bubbly and amiable and thriving. Mom and Dad feel a little more peppy, too

After about a week of this newfound shut-eye, my husband and I were offhandedly having a discussion about the upcoming weeks, including holiday plans and related responsibilities. One of us mentioned that we should take a moment to write down some family goals for the next year, and we started spitballing what could be on that list.

Suddenly, I couldn’t stop laughing. “Amazing what a few nights of sleep will do to you, right?” I said. “Here we are making long-term goals instead of rocks-paper-scissoring who will take the 4 am shift.”

We laughed it off and moved on with our discussion, but the irony stuck with me.

As you read through this article, I suggest that, firstly, you make sure that this is an appropriate time to be setting goals. You and your spouse both need to be in a place in which envisioning new areas of growth is practical and timely.

If one of you is already knee-deep in a season of other projects and responsibilities, adding new ones may not be the best idea right now (see previous blog, Faithful over a Few). “Survival mode” is not the time to start big ole, brand new goals.

Instead, consider shooting for small-scale goals.

For example.

Maybe you are one of those parents still living on very little sleep. You want to keep your house clean, but it seems insurmountable. Maybe your goal could be to clean up the main living spaces for 15 minutes at night with your spouse. Set a timer, do what you can in that 15 minutes together, then rest. You may feel better in the mornings if you can start with a cleared space. There is no need for overhauling your cabinet organization right now. You are in sleepy survival mode, after all. But you can still create some areas in which you can feel victorious and motivated to keep moving forward on this goal when you logistically can.

Maybe your family is in a season of grief, or financial hardship, or illness.

Hear me loudly: this is not your time to flip the tables on everything. This is your time to nurture each other in the ways that you best can. Your family goals should support you, not create chaos, bitterness, or frustration. Tend to each other with your goals. Try ideas such as:

A family game night once a month.

Each person takes turns choosing their favorite dinner to eat once a week.

Read 3 pages of a book together at night.

Most importantly, be creative in seeking goals that fulfill your hearts and minds. Goals are meant to support your family, not make a difficult season scarier.

And with that lengthy caveat out of the way, let’s take a look at family and marriage goal setting.

Setting goals with your spouse

One of the best questions someone asked my husband and I before we were married was What is the theme of your marriage? Plenty of other individuals asked us the theme of our wedding, of course, but this was the first time someone had asked me the theme of our marriage.

Naturally, we had to think for a moment. But we quickly agreed on the message we wanted to send to the world about what we as people, and a couple, stood for.

It was an exercise that ultimately gave us some time to consider what life would be like after the wedding day.

I think this is a fantastic question through which to begin goal-setting with your spouse. What is the theme of your marriage, and what needs to occur to better embody that theme?

Dr. Ellyn Bader with The Couples’ Institute suggests breaking down goal setting for couples into three kinds of goals [1]:

1. Having/getting

2. Being

3. Doing

Each of these three work together. Dr. Bader suggests that a couple should begin with asking each person in a relationship what they want to “have” or “get.” Next, what do you have to “be” to achieve that thing you’d like to have? Then, what do you “do” to “be” that way?

Let’s look at an example.

_______________________________________

What do you want to have or get?

I’d like to have more time together.

What do you have to be to achieve that?

I’d have to be more intentional, be organized with my time, and be aware of my spouse’s needs What do you have to do to “be” that way?

I can commit to scheduling 2 dates a month and put my phone away while we are eating dinner together.

______________________________________

See how the questions eventually lead to specific steps that a person can take to lead toward the overall vision? This is how visions of your goals can be turned into a plan for change or growth.

And remember: Goal setting does not have to be boring, either! One year my individual New Year’s Resolution was to perfect my family’s cornbread recipe. It was a blast feeding friends on each attempt and feeling more and more accomplished each time. Plus, my husband ate a whole lot of cornbread.

So ask yourself: what is the cornbread recipe your marriage really needs? I can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Setting Goals with your Family/ children

Family goals are just that: goals that a family pursues together. And while it is important to make sure your children have some input in this endeavor, you and your spouse will need to lay some groundwork before having a whole-family discussion.

Before inviting your children into the goal-setting round-table, make sure that you have answered the question above about the theme of your marriage. From that, then ask yourselves,

_______________________________________________

What are my family’s core values?

How can we better embody these together?

What are some activities that we can pursue as a family to help our children learn these values?

________________________________________________

After finding some direction on what kind of goals you think are important for your family, bring your children in on the conversation. Make it fun with a whiteboard or sticky notes! You could even have a “talking stick” or a toy gavel.

It could be helpful to share with your children some of the specific ideas you and your spouse have discussed, to see which they feel most excited about. Maybe you already have a goal chosen, and use the family session to make decisions about “when do we start?” and “what color should we use?”

Kelly Holmes, Certified Parent Educator, speaks honestly about overcoming her own reservations regarding family goal setting [2]. Like many parents, her fear was that setting family goals would just add more mental clutter and administrative tasks for her management of the family routines.

However, after finally getting her children involved in a family goal of planting a new garden, Kelly shares that,

Setting family goals transcends the daily slog of family life that can make us feel run-down and overwhelmed. Because when you’re working together towards a common goal, your connection with your family will be stronger [2].

Setting new family goals may on the surface feel like another task to weigh a parent down. But goal setting can actually serve as an enriching way to alleviate the pressure parents feel in other areas.

Connecting with your children through shared goals is about so much more than the goal at hand. It is about building communication skills, nurturing independence and autonomy, instilling value systems, and creating a sense of social interest [5]. These are all skills and attributes that, once your children have begun to master, your family life could begin to run more smoothly overall.

Kelly also shares her belief that “Connection breeds cooperation” [2]. Connecting over goal setting brings buy-in from your children and spouse and helps each member of the family feel ownership over the goal.

When children feel connected to you, their caregiver, they will feel more connected to the task at hand, and thus be more likely to cooperate. But honestly, cooperation is not even the end goal. The feeling of connectedness your child experiences with you is. This connectedness will feed into positive experiences and communication in other areas of life, as well.

I like to think about the example of decorating a family Christmas tree—a task most of us have recently tackled.

If you as the parent ask for help from your family, but then commandeer the entire design, move around every ornament someone places on the tree, and then become upset when your children don’t want to participate anymore, you have missed a vital opportunity for connection and discouraged your children from wanting to take on projects with you in the future. But what if, instead of taking complete creative control, you used the task of decorating the tree to open communication about your child’s favorite ornament, favorite Christmas memory, or even preferred kind of decorating style? A shared task, when done with intentionality and openness, builds a foundation of positive attachment that a child will benefit from for years to come.

When we invite our children into our tasks, they often rise to the occasion and find great joy in using our support to build a skillset of their own.

Even better, children with positive and secure attachment in childhood often go on to have more successful, communicative, and fulfilling relationships in adulthood [3].

So while setting goals may sound like a boring endeavor on the surface, know that the fruitfulness of it can bring long-term fulfillment and benefits to your family and children.

____________________________________

Brainstorm with your spouse to determine what family goal could fit your family!

These goals can be large or small, or even silly. The following article that I found has a list of common goals, but I encourage you to use your creativity and your children’s excitement to guide you.

Ideas for family goals: https://www.wholefamilyliving.com/examples-of-family-goals/

Resources:

1. Bader, E. (n.d.). Three types of goals and their use in couples therapy. Couples Institute. Retrieved December 11, 2022, from https://www.couplesinstitute.com/three-types-of-goals-and-their-use-in-couples-therapy/

2. Holmes, K. (n.d.). Want your family to share the load? here’s the best way to get them onboard. Happy You, Happy Family. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/family-goal-setting/%C2%A0

3. Huang, S. (2022, August 26). The different types of attachment styles. Attachment Styles | Simply Psychology. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

4. Hyatte, A. (2021, October 6). 17 examples of family goals to work on this year. Whole Family Living. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://www.wholefamilyliving.com/examples-of-family-goals/%C2%A0

5. Lauren. (2022, February 21). 50 family goal setting ideas [examples and how-to guide]. Simply Well Balanced. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://simply-well-balanced.com/family-goals-how-to-guide/

Faithful over a Few: Consistency, not grand gestures, is what this new year may need from you.

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American culture beckons us toward all things shiny, newer, bigger, and better. And this does not just apply to material items, but to how we view our places in the world. Our identity, goals, relationships—even our spirituality– fall prey to our never-satiated ambition.

For many of us, ambition may begin as a healthy sense of motivation to grow and change. After all, the desire for growth is innate and a developmentally normal part of being human.

Often, however, that healthy dose of ambition can run amok and keep us from finding joy and gratitude in the present space in which we already exist.

The way we make New Year resolutions highlights this so clearly.

We love to envision ourselves as completely new people by this time next year.

We want the “before and after” photo without the “during,” and we secretly desire to the equivalent of “going viral” in whatever specific area of goal-setting we are tackling. We want big growth and we want it to be fast.

This mindset is nothing short of intoxicating, and many of us indulge in it every single January.

We create huge declarations because we believe that this is my year. Visions of our new life once we reach this one huge goal dance in our heads right alongside the sugar plums.

We think, A person is supposed to strive for the best, right?

Except, then burnout sets in by February, and we decide that maybe we are not as ambitious as we thought. This isn’t for me. Maybe next year.

Some professionals conclude that this way of thinking is addictive in itself.

Mary Bell, founder of the Center for Recovering Families in Houston, TX, once shared in an interview that she believed “achievement is the alcohol of our time” [3]. “The best people don’t abuse alcohol. They abuse their lives,” she said [3].

Mary worked with clients who were largely financially successful and struggling with detaching themselves from the highs and lows of high-dollar business deals. While that profile may not fit most of us, the sentiment remains the same.

Go for broke, we say. Go all in. Be that new person in 6 months flat and everything will be better. It is yours to claim.

Like I said: intoxicating, right? But it does not have to be this way. We do not have to ride the roller coaster of all-ins and hitting-rock-bottoms.

What if, sometimes, goal-setting should really about slowly growing what we already have?

I recently saw something online that asked questions such as this:

How are you stewarding the things that you already possess?

You want a new couch—but are you taking care of the older one you already have?

You want a new house—but are you caring for this one?

So I tried to ask myself these same kinds of questions about the less-tangible aspects of my life:

Lord, send me close friendships.

Are you nurturing the ones I have already set before you for a specific kingdom reason?

Lord, I crave rest.

Your screen time was up 20% last week.

Help my daughter have a better temperament today. She seems fussy for no reason.

You, my daughter, come to me grumpy all the time.

Now, this is not to say God does not continue to give good things to His children even when we do not manage our current blessings well (Matthew 711:). His relationship with us is not directly transactional in nature like that.

BUT.

I do think that a close and honest look at our stewardship of the things God has given us may have an even more beneficial impact than setting completely new, outrageously ambitious goals: It will help in the sanctification of our own hearts and growth in the areas He has already placed before us.

I am reminded of the parable of the talents in the Bible, which you can read about in the book of Matthew, chapter 25.

A quick summary on this story:

Three men were given a differing number of talents (talents were a monetary denomination of the time) from their employer. The first two men used the talents they were given to grow a profit, and when their employer returned they were praised.

The last man claimed that he felt “afraid” and hid his talent so that he would not lose it or use it wrongly. He was brutally rebuked by this employer upon his return.

In our current discussion, there are a few things about this parable that stand out to me.

First, our talents and blessings are not meant to be hoarded.

Second, God expects us to use what He entrusts us with to build up his kingdom.

Thirdly, ignoring what we have been given for a reason can be foolish

I am completely conjecturing here, but I cannot help but wonder what the third guy was doing while just sitting on his unused talent. Was he seeking other gifts not from the Lord? Was he striving after goals completely unrelated? Or was he just lazy? Regardless, he ignored the good and beneficial gift that was freely, purposefully given to him. What he was doing instead, who knows. But it is a shame that he was distracted from pursuing growth with this beautiful gift.

My prayer for us all is that we have eyes to see the places we can better steward what is placed before us, without distractions or fear. May we come to hear from the Lord,

“Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much” (Matthew 25:23b)

This year, I beckon you to find a goal that focuses on nurturing an area of your life left a little untended lately.

Goals are not always about re-creating, but can also be about recommitting.

Here are some things to remember as you ponder this re-commitment challenge.

– Consistency, not one-time displays of ambition, is what will create change. Think about your end goal. Let’s say you desire a stronger relationship with your extended family. What are the tiny things in your control that can lead to that? This is where your path to consistency lies. Identify one or two of those tiny things and do them diligently.

  • Make yourself a personal policy. For example, on Tuesdays I call my grandma on the way to work. Not, I want to call my grandma more, or sometimes I call on the way to work. Nope, make the policy. Do the task. The benefits will come. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says that “if you commit to a task rather than thinking about a desire, you get something done” [2]. Think in Mean Girls terms: “On Wednesdays we wear pink.” No questions asked. It’s just what we do.
  • Know that you will not be perfect. Your schedule may change and you forget to call Grandma a few times. Change the policy, not the goal. Keep moving forward. Calling on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays does not mean that you failed.
  • Garner support. Who will gently remind you to stay consistent? It should be someone who knows and respects your worldview and how your goals for consistency reflect that worldview. Who is the person who will say, How is your grandma this week? Who is the person who will take a vested interest in your goal to reconnect with family? Lean into these relationships.
  • There is no shame in using reminders to help you. It does not mean you don’t love Grandma if you need to use a preset phone alarm every Tuesday morning. It means you care enough about connecting with her that you will use extra means to do so.

Most importantly, ask yourself:

In what small things can you be faithful this year?

To read more from us about Measuring Growth and Goal Setting, read this article from our archive, 10 Tips for Measuring Personal Growth.

References:

1. Clear, J. (n.d.). The magic of committing to a specific goal. James Clear. Retrieved December 3, 2022, from https://jamesclear.com/magic-of-committing%C2%A0

2. Keller, T. (2011). The seduction of success. In Counterfeit gods: The empty promises of money, sex, and power, and the only hope that matters. essay, Riverhead Books.

3. Rubin, H. (1998, September 30). Success and excess – fast company. Fast Company. Retrieved December 4, 2022, from https://www.fastcompany.com/35583/success-and-excess

A Discussion on Grief, Part 2: Talking to my friends about their loss

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“Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life.”

– Joan Didion, after the sudden death of her husband

 

In a previous article, we highlighted the nature of grief: how it is uniquely personal and presents itself differently in various seasons of life and circumstances. Read it here!

But for this discussion, we will focus on those who are comforting and supporting someone in grief.

It can be incredibly difficult to know how to respond to someone who is grieving. Many people find themselves stumbling for words, completely unsure of what to say.

It is almost like we suddenly lose all social faculties when interacting with someone in grief. Maybe it is an understandable fear of further wounding someone with careless words, or maybe it is simple naivete. But most of us stumble through conversation, shuffle our feet, and even sometimes treat our friend as a new stranger—as if their grief experience transformed them into a person unrecognizable altogether.

What do I say or not say?

What do I do? How can I make it better?

Sometimes, a person’s grief might not even look like grief at all. What then?

Thankfully there are a growing number of resources available on supporting someone through grief (see the end of our the previous article for a list of local resources).

And while there may not be a “one size fits all method” for having a conversation with someone grieving, there are still plenty of basic tips that grief support professionals agree are important to keep in mind.

 

How to support a grieving friend:
What do I say or not say?

Know that nothing you can ever say will heal a person’s grief. Grief is not something to be fixed or to be cured. Instead, the person grieving needs support and space to experience grief in the way that best allows them to do so. Words should convey this support and understanding that you respect a person’s unique grief journey.

The following links have some fantastic ideas for how to use your words carefully and intentionally. I would suggest becoming familiar with them to see what feels natural to you for who you are as a friend and a support. I do caution against finding something to say “just to say it.” Most people can sense if you are simply speaking in platitudes or speaking with genuine care and concern.

https://mygriefandloss.org/what-to-say-to-someone-grieving

https://mygriefandloss.org/what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving

Remember that you are not in charge of “fixing” someone’s grief.

It may seem like I am repeating myself here, but this point is important enough that it cannot be overstated.

I think it is natural for any of us to feel as though we must rescue the people we care about from their strong emotional experiences. In fact, it is one of the first impulses to overcome when becoming a therapist; in graduate school, we actually practice allowing someone to sit in their emotions that they have been avoiding or ignoring to then be able to help them heal through them.

So I get it; watching someone we care about experience emotional pain may be difficult. Remember that you can journey alongside them, but you cannot remove it from them.

This mindset will assist you in finding a needed balance of “present but not pestering.”

Hold space for “griefbursts.”

“Griefbursts” are one of my favorite things that the GriefWorks (at ChristianWorks) program discusses with children and adults alike. They can be defined as sudden “bursts” of emotion related to grief.

Griefbursts can look different for everyone, but a common marker is that they are surprising both for the person who experiences them and the people around them.

For a child, griefbursts can look to unexpecting adults like misbehavior, disregulation, or rowdiness. Meanwhile, adults may find themselves taken aback at how quickly a griefburst derails a regular workday or what they expected to be an uneventful visit to the grocery store.

Grieving individuals need reminders that griefbursts are normal and expected.

Be a comfortable and confiding presence.

Your words and actions as a support to someone grieving should denote that you are open to listening when they need to chat and being silent when they need silence. Follow their lead.

Never create a scenario in which a person who is grieving feels the need to comfort you. Their time to share about their grief and loss, however detailed they choose, is about them. If you over-emote all over the place after hearing their experience, then they may feel like you are not someone who is willing or able to “handle” hearing about their grief. If they end up using their emotional energy comforting you, then they may not find much of their own relief from the situation.

In cases of death, do not avoid talking about the person who died. Most people who are grieving the death of someone they cared about want to hear others say the person’s name or talk about memories they have. It can be lonely if everyone around them is too fearful to bring the person up in conversation. If you clam up and act uncomfortable anytime they say the person’s name or something about them, your grieving friend may internalize that you are not the place they feel safe talking about their grief.

Finally, remind yourself to just be normal! Do not badger someone for grief journey updates or make your whole relationship with them about their state of grief.

I love the tip from Dallas Grief Counseling to say “I am thinking about you today. No response needed, I just wanted you to know” [6].

Offer practical, tangible help.

“Let me know if you need anything” means very little to a person in grief. Offer tangible help that maybe they did not even consider they could need. Sometimes a person in grief may experience a mental fog that keeps them from taking care of basic needs such as remembering to eat. Meet these needs when you see them.

– I would like to watch your kids for you one afternoon so you can take a break to do something for yourself. Is next Thursday good?

– I hired someone to clean your house while you are at work. What day can they come?

– Here are your belongings you left at work when you got the news. I will set them in your home office for when you are ready to see them.

– I noticed you have been receiving a lot of visitors all morning. How about I make you a plate of food?

Do not rush someone’s process.

Grief does not have a specific timeline. It is highly insensitive to suggest someone should be “over” their grief by a certain point. Check out our previous post about grief to learn more about this!

Do not over-relate your own experience to theirs.

Since we all grieve in different ways, it is important not to hijack someone’s discussion about their grief experience by talking too much or too long about your own. While you may notice some similarities between the two of you, remember that they came to you for support for what they are going through. This is not the time to share your entire grief story unless asked.

Remember that grief comes in all shapes and sizes, and is not just related to death

Grief is most often discussed as the loss of another person to death. However, loss occurs quite often in life in other scenarios. We do not always even recognize what we are feeling to be grief.

Below are a few definitions of some different types of grief.

Different subsets of grief and examples

Disenfranchised grief—an experience in which the people around a person may not feel that the grief response is legitimate or warranted. Someone may be deemed “dramatic” for experiencing a certain level of grief.

Complicated grief—Complicated Bereavement Disorder is actually a diagnosable mental health disorder and is marked by persistent grief that does not appear to alleviate over a certain amount of time. People who suffer from this may feel stuck in a state of loss and unable to move forward.

(Please seek professional help if you believe that you are experiencing this type of grief).

Complex grief—mixed feelings about the person or thing that they are grieving. Maybe an adult child of an alcoholic father is grieving the father’s death, while still carrying wounds from his harmful patterns of behavior.

ambiguous grief—ambiguous grief refers to the loss of something that is not fully “gone.” The best example of ambiguous grief I can give is of a birth mother who is grieving the loss of her child (as well as her role of active parent) after choosing an adoption plan for her infant.

(check out our AdoptionWorks webpage for more information on birth parents and the adoption journey)

anticipatory grief—preparing for a grief that has not happened yet. This could apply to loving someone with a terminal illness, or experiencing the pending divorce of a parent, or preparing for the end of a season of life, like when graduating college.

collective grief—a group of people grieving the same loss, such as a national tragedy or natural disaster.

Secondary grief—experiencing the loss of something directly related to a primary loss. For example, the loss of a job may also come with the loss of relationships associated with that job.

References:

1. Anticipatory grief. Grief Journey. (2020, October 22). Retrieved November 19, 2022, from https://griefjourney.com/article-library/anticipatory-grief/%C2%A0

2. Bowman, C. R. (n.d.). What to say to someone who is grieving. Grief and Loss Center. Retrieved November 20, 2022, from https://mygriefandloss.org/what-to-say-to-someone-grieving

3. Feder, T. (2022). Dancing at the pity party: A dead mom graphic memoir. Dial Books.

4. Kelly, L. (2021, September 23). 16 different types of grief. Talkspace. Retrieved November 19, 2022, from https://www.talkspace.com/blog/types-of-grief/%C2%A0

5. Moberly, N. (2022, January 28). 12 types of grief you may not know about. 12 Types of Grief You May Not Know About. Retrieved November 19, 2022, from https://www.betterup.com/blog/types-of-grief

6. West, L. (2022, October 2). Grief counseling dallas: Grief: Dealing with grief. DGC. Retrieved November 20, 2022, from https://www.dallasgriefcounseling.com/

7. Williams, L. (n.d.). What not to say to someone who’s grieving. Grief and Loss Center. Retrieved November 20, 2022, from https://mygriefandloss.org/what-not-to-say-to-someone-whos-grieving