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Bridging the Divide: Maintaining Relationship with your Teenagers

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Bridging the Divide:

Maintaining Relationship with your Teenagers

For some reason I have this vivid memory from late childhood that stands out on the timeline of my life.

One evening on the way home from a church function, I remember telling my parents, “so instead of playing outside tonight, my friends and I just stood around and talked and it was…. kind of fun.”

In that very moment, I was already brutally aware of a distinct shift happening in myself. I harbored part excitement and part disappointment at the realization that such an adult type of activity of just talking had proven enjoyable for me.

Why that memory stuck with me all of these years is baffling. But I often point to it as the moment I began waving goodbye to childhood and setting my sights on adolescence.

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As adults, we easily forget how those adolescent watershed moments, all piled on top of each other, feel when they are happening. It is disorienting how quickly our brains and bodies change in a few short months (or weeks, perhaps) during that time of life.

What can feel almost more disorienting is watching a person we love enter adolescence.

When I taught 7th grade we endearingly called this time of life a mutant stage: There is constant transformation and unrecognizable behaviors and emotions just oozing out of a person. They are no longer who they were, and are still on the way to who they are becoming. It is a wildly dichotomous time of life.

The adolescent years are marked by a combination of risk-taking, emotional upheaval, burgeoning autonomy and independence, intense focus on relationship building and peer connections, exploration, and novelty seeking.

Whew. That is a lot.

But thankfully, as mental health professionals, we know that adolescence does not just have to be a season of life to endure, but a season of life in which to thrive.

I know, I know: If you are a parent of a teen you just threw something at me. Your house does not feel like it is thriving. I get it.

But hear me out.

The way you interact with your adolescent through this stage (which spans from the ages of 12-24, by the way), will in part determine how he or she learns to manage themselves into adulthood [2]. It feels shaky and disjointed. But it is supposed to; this is the training ground, not the race.

Think about it this way. Remember when your child was fresh and little and squishy and newly mobile (and didn’t talk back to you yet)? In new situations or unfamiliar play places he would probably inquisitively crawl away a little bit, but always keep an eye on where you were in the room. He would explore more confidently when he knew that your anchor of safety was still there for him.

In an ideal scenario, the same thing is happening in his teenage years. He is venturing further away with the understanding that you are still available for him to fall back on. He is proverbially looking over his shoulder toward the safety of his home, which gives him the confidence to continue to try out new elements of adulthood.

When we think of the shaky autonomy and independence of adolescence in this way it makes a little more sense, right? It is a way of practicing adulthood within safe parameters.

Risk-taking, in its various forms, is inevitably going to be a mark of the teenage years. It will feel tumultuous. But teens who have attuned parents willing to ride the waves of this season of life with them are going to be far more prepared for the treacherous waters of adulthood.

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Two of my favorite resources for parents whose children are entering this stage of life are the following books:

Brainstorm by Daniel J. Siegel

and

How to talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Brainstorm gives an easy-to-read overview of the neuroscience and practical wisdom of the adolescent stage. In re-skimming it this week I realized how calming of a tone Siegel has in speaking to both teens and their adults, alike. If you especially enjoyed The Whole Brain Child, the adolescent version Brainstorm will be a fantastic resource for you.

How to Talk so Teens will Listen is based off of the authors’ decades of work with families and offers practical, real-life examples of ways to begin conversations with your teens. This book helps you model basic communication skills and conflict resolution for and with your child. A chunk of the book is even depicted in cartoon form for a lighthearted touch.

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I have a teenager. Now what? Tips for thriving in the adolescent stage.
1. Own your own “stuff.”

One of my favorite types of counseling relationships is when I get to work with a parent whose child is also attending their own counseling. These are parents who are dedicated to modeling healthy relationship patterns for their child.

You see, it is easy for a parent to point toward the stage of adolescence as the sole contributor of relational troubles in a family.

The teen is, after all, the one who is in a tumultuous developmental stage and overtly learning to regulate emotions and manage relationships.

But a wise parent recognizes that his or her half of the relationship could be strengthened, too. It is often possible that certain teenage behaviors are triggering deep-seeded hurts for a parent that need to be addressed. Jumping to put a teen in therapy without self-reflection on a parent’s part only drives home the message that adolescence is a problem to be fixed.

Imagine how powerful of a message it would be if a parent says, “this is a hard time for both of us. I am going to see a counselor, myself, so I can be the best version for you right now.”

2. Consider the nuances of this unique developmental stage.

One of the major neurological aspects of the adolescent stage is the increase in the brain’s drive for reward. The neurotransmitter lovingly referred to as the “feel good hormone,” dopamine, which spikes when we experience pleasure, is working overtime in the brain of a teen. This leaves him or her frequently seeking stimulation and sometimes ignoring the potential risks of seeking these pleasurable experiences.

Siegel explains in Brainstorm that “this enhanced natural dopamine release can give adolescents a powerful sense of being alive when they are engaged in life” [p. 67].

Meanwhile, an adolescent is also experiencing great leaps in cognitive development, emotional intelligence, and capability for abstract thought. He or she is learning to think and process information in new ways, which eventually will assist in balancing out that natural excess of dopamine. But until that balance pans out, these new cognitive skills, juxtaposed with an intense drive to seek new and enjoyable experiences, results in the stereotypical picture of a teenager that we know and love: part adult, part child, figuring out who they are along the way.

And somewhere nearby, there stands a confused parent watching their child exist as a walking set of contradictions.

At the end of the day, know that your teen most likely craves to know that you recognize their growing cognitions and understanding of the world, and not just their impulsiveness. Ask them what they think about things: big topics, varying worldviews, the family discipline system, or frustrations with local government. Invite them into your adult world, however shakily they may toddle through it at first. Your job is to coach them through it, but coaching is hard to do if you do not allow them to play.

3. Do not avoid difficult conversations.

Be a safe space for open conversation before your child ever becomes a teen. You want them to come to YOU about difficult and sensitive topics, not Google or the locker room. Ignoring topics will not make them disappear, but will instead ensure that your child learns about them from peers and media instead of in a safe, nurturing space guided by your family principles.

Meanwhile, make time to connect with your teen without an agenda, too. If the only time you spend one-on-one time with your teen is when you are trying to have a semi-awkward conversation about the dangers of sex or drugs or rock-n-roll, they may begin to bristle when you ask to spend time with them.

I love how the authors of How to Talk to Teens say in their forward that “Teenagers need to be able to express their doubts, confide their fears, and explore options with a grownup who will listen to them nonjudgmentally and help them make responsible decisions.” [1].

4. Value the growing autonomy and independence

One of the biggest frustrations between teens and their parents that I see in the counseling room is the tension between a teen’s developmentally normal desire for autonomy, and a parent’s view of this growing autonomy as a direct attack on their role as a parent.

One major way to value this growing independence is to make space for your teen’s voice to matter in the management of the family. Obviously, you are still the adult in the room and you make the rules for your house. But that does not mean you cannot have open discussions with your teens about aspects of your parenting style or ways of operating. Maybe ask your child what they think an appropriate punishment is for something. Hear them out. You may not agree with what your teen says, but holding space for their voice to be heard allows them an opportunity to practice decision-making and problem-solving skills in real-time.

Also, avoid disciplining from your emotions. Your teen will notice if the consequences for their behavior vary according to your mood of the day and not the behavior itself.

I highly recommend chapter 3 of How to Talk to Teens, titled To Punish or not to Punish.

5. Do not parent in a void.

Dr. Siegel says it best in Brainstorm when he discusses how our single-family-centric, modern culture can sometimes provide a disservice for parents and teens alike.

When it comes to village life for the teen, during the time he or she is pushing against parents, there would be other adults in the tribe to whom the teen could turn for security and connection. But when the only close adult is your parent, the natural way to go in adolescence is entirely toward other adolescents (p 35).

Finding like-minded families to grow alongside can feel like a difficult feat in our modern lives. But the benefits for our children in growing up in a community are huge. Who are the people who will pick your kids up from somewhere they’re uncomfortable being on a Friday night? Who will feed them soup and listen to their breakup story when they’re embarrassed to tell you about it directly? Who will uphold your family values when you are not around because they want your children to succeed just as much as you do? Find that family. Be that family. Surround your teens with the adults you want them to emulate.

References:

1. Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (2016). How to talk so teens will listen & listen so teens will talk. William Morrow.

2. Siegel, D. J. (2013). Brainstorm. the power and purpose of the teenage brain. Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin.

3. Wahlstrom, D., Collins, P., White, T., & Luciana, M. (2011, February 1). Developmental changes in dopamine neurotransmission in adolescence: Behavioral implications and issues in assessment. Brain and cognition. Retrieved February 9, 2023, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2815132/

Can I receive counseling at ChristianWorks if I am not a Christian?

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Can I receive counseling at ChristianWorks if I am not a Christian?

And answers to other frequently-asked faith questions about CounselingWorks!

During the years that I have been associated with ChristianWorks, I have always struggled to describe the agency in any kind of “elevator pitch” style. There is just so much to share! With a constantly-growing number of ministries, staff members, volunteers, and contributors, ChristianWorks is ever-evolving. A quick overview always fails to fully do justice to ChristianWorks as a whole.

However, if my time is limited, I try to make sure people know about the accessible counseling services offered at ChristianWorks through the CounselingWorks ministry.

One of the first things individuals often want to know about CounselingWorks is who is able to access these counseling services. While you can find some quick facts here, allow me to expound on some of our most frequently asked faith-related questions.

1. Can I receive counseling at ChristianWorks if I am not a Christian?
Let’s start off by answering this with a definite YES. Under no circumstances will religious affiliation, or lack thereof, disqualify a person from becoming a counseling client of ChristianWorks for Children.

We recognize that “Christian” is an obvious part of the agency’s name. This is intentional! There is nothing secret or hidden about the core values of ChristianWorks. In fact, when you receive paperwork to fill out as a counseling client, you will be given a copy of the ChristianWorks Statement of Faith that all ChristianWorks employees sign upon being employed here. Our beliefs are freely shared.

However, that does not mean that you as a counseling client must agree with this Statement of Faith, nor does it mean that your counseling experience will be expected to center around discussions of the Christian faith.

Your counseling sessions are your very own. Our counselors of all licenses are trained specifically in respecting the individual views of clients.

Now, if you do want your faith and spirituality to be a central aspect of how your counselor works with you, that is fantastic! We have therapists who are trained to guide you in exploring that sacred part of your identity.

It is also important to note, however, that ChristianWorks’ counselors are not to serve as a replacement for faith leaders.

In my own time working as a counselor for ChristianWorks I worked with many individuals seeking to process their counseling goals through the lens of their spiritual identity.

But that does not mean my role was meant to replace a faith leader, such as a minister, mentor, or pastor in that person’s life.

A well-trained and ethically sound counselor will help a client pursue counseling goals within client-lead conversations about their spirituality. However, a counselor will not give direct advice regarding doctrine or denominational creeds.

Why? Because we believe that you deserve a well-rounded circle of support, including a faith community, peers, family members, and work relationships.

Hopefully, your counselor is encouraging you to seek that well-rounded circle of support. Your faith leaders and peers are part of this community; we do not seek to be stand-in replacements for them, in the same way, we would hope that your minister or mentor does not try to act as your mental health therapist.

If you have direct questions about doctrine or theology, we will sometimes encourage you to reach out to your faith leader or mentor within that part of your community.

2. Does ChristianWorks provide Biblical counseling or Christian counseling?

It is easy to get caught up in the lingo of faith-related counseling. Sometimes individuals (and even counselors, themselves) use these terms interchangeably or in different contexts than their peers. So let’s discuss these terms first!

Biblical counseling uses only Biblical scripture as guidance. It is a beautiful relationship between two Christ-followers in discipleship, seeking truth from the gospel. Biblical counselors usually do not discuss tenets of modern psychology in their practices and do not typically hold degrees or licenses in mental health counseling.

The Association of Certified Biblical Counselors (ACBC) states that it “exists to equip you to minister the Bible faithfully to those all around you who are in need of God’s truth” [1].

ACBC certifies Christians to counsel others specifically in a discipleship manner. These individuals are vital aspects of many churches and organizations who minister to others but are not necessarily trained in mental health services.

Christian counseling integrates Biblical truth alongside certain theories and tenets of psychology. Christian counselors are most likely trained in mental health counseling and are practicing, trained therapists who hold state licenses.

That being said, I generally encourage individuals to confirm for themselves that their counselors hold degrees and licenses in mental health services prior to entering into counseling relationships.

Note: All of CounselingWorks counselors are licensed in the state of Texas to offer mental health services.

One of my personal favorite resources is a book called Integrative Psychotherapy toward a Comprehensive Christian Approach. The writers explain the work of integrative psychotherapists (Christian counselors) as such:

“Integrationists believe that some sort of reciprocal interaction between faith and psychology is the best way to gain a comprehensive understanding of personality and counseling. This is not to say that psychology carries the same authority as the Christian faith, but that understanding and wisdom can be discovered in both” [2].

Ok so what about CounselingWorks, then?

CounselingWorks, while described as a Christian counseling center, does not work only with individuals of the Christian faith.

Many of our clinicians have specific training in helping clients integrate their spiritual worldviews into their counseling goals, but they do not offer direct advice on Christian doctrine or theology, and are also open to working with clients of any background.

You could more accurately describe CounselingWorks’ team as “a group of licensed clinicians who are Christians.” In the same way an engineer, a teacher, or an accountant operates in his or her occupation as a believer in Christ, so do we in ours.

When you are ready to do your taxes you may not specifically seek out a “Christian accountant,” but in working with him you may easily notice the manifestation of the fruits of the Spirit: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

Our goal as clinicians at CounselingWorks is to do the same. We are willing and able to process your faith journey with you in light of your counseling goals. But unless that is something that you are open to doing, we simply operate as people of the Spirit in all that we do. Our prayer is that every client experiences the fruits of the Spirit exude from us, regardless of whether that client is specifically seeking Christian counseling.

As Rob Pine, our Chief Advancement Officer and former CEO likes to say, “when you meet with our therapists, the Spirit is in the room too.”

3. Can I choose a counselor from a certain faith tradition or denomination?

Our ChristianWorks counselors and staff members are Bible-believing, practicing Christians from a variety of denominations, all of whom have signed and committed to the practice of our Statement of Faith. We encourage you to read this Statement of Faith. Often this will already answer your questions about what your counselor may believe!

We do understand that clients sometimes find it important that their counselor shares and respects their specific Christian worldview as it relates to their counseling journey.

However, out of respect for our counselor’s autonomy to self-disclose their faith practices at their own discretion, we encourage you to pursue this question with your counselor during session.

We also invite you to remember that our counselors integrate tenets of psychology within a Christian worldview, and are not meant to give direct advice about doctrine or theology. Our sessions are not meant to be a replacement for Bible study or a discipleship relationship.

If you are seeking more of a Biblical counseling approach, we encourage you to reach out to your faith leader or visit

https://biblicalcounseling.com/find-a-counselor/

If you would like to have a 10 to 15 minute consult with a therapist to determine if he or she is the right fit, feel free to talk to our CounselingWorks intake team.

References:

1. Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. (n.d.). Retrieved January 10, 2023, from https://biblicalcounseling.com/

2. McMinn, M. R., & Campbell, C. D. (2007). Integrative psychotherapy toward a comprehensive Christian approach. IVP Academic.

What is Open Adoption?

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What is Open Adoption?

For many people who have not been directly touched by adoption, this article may seem like a foreign concept filled with words borrowed from a language you did not know existed. Adoption, after all, is something we usually observe from a distance or on television, with limited understanding of what someone who has lived out an adoption story may experience.

If you are someone that falls into this category, I appreciate your willingness to dip your toe into the waters of learning some adoption terms and concepts.

Honestly, we are all constantly learning about adoption: Whether we are adoption professionals, triad members,* or the people who love them. See below for a definition of an adoption triad.

To understand the world of adoption one must first recognize that adoption stories are unique; they are contrastingly beautiful and painful, wholesome and gut-wrenching. Most adoption stories are all of these things at once.

But the best we can do is to learn what information we can from a posture of humility.

As professionals, we commit to making discerning choices about adoption policy and procedures according to the most recent research available. And, we listen: to adoptees, adoptive families, and birth families. We learn from the past and we seek to use integrity in our work with each client of adoption.

So whatever brought you to this page to learn a little about open adoption, I hope that you keep these ideas at top of your mind and join us in the pursuit of learning about adoption as a whole.

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A quick definition of open adoption:

Open adoption, also known as modern adoption, is currently the most widely accepted type of adoption in the United States. It refers to an adoption in which a birth mother or birth parents have specifically chosen the family that will be adopting the child and have an opportunity for communication and relationship with the adoptive family and adoptee throughout the course of his or her life.

As of 2012, approximately 95% of adoptions that occur were considered “open” [6]. It can be assumed that this percentage is even higher today, a full decade after this study was completed.

Yet, this wide acceptance of open adoption was not always the case. Closed adoption, as described below, was the norm for most of the 20th century. But a shift began to occur in the social work and adoption field as many professionals began to question the previously-standard procedures of keeping legal lock and key on adoptees’ birth and medical histories. By the mid-1990’s these professional practices became commonplace, and open adoption took its place as the new standard of adoption care.

Open adoption vs. Closed adoption

Closed adoptions do not allow for any future communication. No information is exchanged between parties. Records are sealed, and even the adoptees themselves are barred from viewing their own records without going through a court of law. The birth family most likely did not have any choice in deciding the family with whom their child would be placed.

Open adoption, on the other hand, begins with an expectant mother being empowered to choose the family with whom she will place her child for adoption. She is encouraged to meet with them, ask questions, and be an active participant in the adoption process.

Open adoption allows for future contact and building of relationships between birth and adoptive families.

Openness allows for agency support throughout the lifetime.

Open adoption allows adoptees to have a direct connection to their birth, family, and medical histories.

Note: AdoptionWorks only facilitates OPEN adoptions. Even if a birth mother chooses to currently have no interaction with her child or the adoptive parents, her disclosure of medical history and her ability to choose the family for her child deems the adoption “open.” Also, in an open adoption, she can seek communication or receive updates from the family in the future if she decides she would like to pursue a relationship with them.

Open adoption is on a continuum.

For some, the idea of an open adoption can be scary. But it is important to remember that openness is on a continuum! Just like with any other relationship, it can develop and change over time. Not only are boundaries acceptable, but they are greatly encouraged.

Adoption professionals encourage birth parents and adoptive parents alike to have honest conversations about their comfortability with levels of openness. Some families choose to begin the relationship completely mediated by the agency, sending photos and updates through case workers. Some families communicate independently of the agency, see each other multiple times a year, and are invited to family events.

Each adoption triad has unique dynamics, and each member of that triad has unique needs within that dynamic that informs levels of openness.

Levels of openness can change over time. We expect openness to look differently at 3 months than it does at 3 years or 33 years. Changes in levels of openness can occur throughout different seasons of life and stages of development. This is normal and expected. A good adoption agency will be present to help you navigate these changes as you go.

Most importantly, open adoption relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. When an adoption takes place, the birth family and adoptive family often create an open adoption agreement, which is simply a summary of the agreed-upon expectations for communication and relationship-building moving forward. The open adoption agreement is not a legally binding agreement, but a document that can remind both parties of the importance of maintaining a connection to each other to the best of one another’s abilities.

Open adoption is an opportunity for empowerment across the entire triad:

Research on this topic overwhelmingly suggests that openness benefits the entire triad [2, 3, 4, 5].

This does not mean that experiences are emotionally pain-free or perfect in nature. Adoption, after all, begins with the experience of loss when a child and mother are separated.

But it does mean that professionals and researchers have largely determined that a choice to pursue openness brings more benefits than not.

For the birth family: In open adoption, A birth mother is empowered to make active decisions in the adoption process, including choosing the family with whom she would like to place her child. Ashley Mitchell, birth mother and advocate for birth mothers worldwide is a good resource to learn more about the birth family perspective. You can find her @bigtoughgirl on Instagram or at https://lifetimehealingfoundation.org/

For adoptees: An adoptee is able to have connection with his or her history and birth story in an open adoption. He or she always knows the truth about who they are and how much they were loved by the people who brought them into the world. There are many adoptee accounts to follow, but a favorite of ours at AdoptionWorks is @throughadoptedeyes

For adoptive parents: In an open adoption, adoptive parents are able to have access to their child’s medical and family history, be able to help their child with difficult questions that come with being an adoptee, and create lasting relationships with their child’s biological family.

Open adoption is not co-parenting.

Once a mother has relinquished her rights to parent her child, she does not have the capability to determine the details of how that child is parented. The adoptive parents are the legal parents of the child once the adoption has been finalized. This is why we find it so important that an expectant mother is fully aware of her decision to make an adoption plan prior to relinquishment! This is a serious and irrevocable choice that we pray she does not take lightly.

Open adoption allows for beautiful opportunities for relationship but does not encroach on the legal parental rights of adoptive parents.

*Definitions to know:
  • Adoption Triad: the triangular representation of an adoptee’s relationship to his or her birth and adoptive family, with the adoptee at the top and the birth and adoptive families as the bottom foundational corners. Together, all three parties make up a triad.

  • Birth Mother: A mother who has placed a child for adoption and relinquished legal rights to parent that child.
  • Expectant Mother: A woman who is pregnant. Even if she is currently making an adoption plan, she is never called a birth mother until she has relinquished her parental rights. This distinction is made to honor a mother’s agency to choose to parent her child at any point prior to signing relinquishment.
  • Birth Family: Other biological family members of an adoptee
  • Adoptive Family: A couple or family who has legally adopted a child.
References:

1. 10 things that scientific research says about open adoption. American Adoptions Blog. (2017, August 4). Retrieved January 21, 2023, from https://www.americanadoptions.com/blog/10-things-that-scientific-research-says-about-open-adoption/

2. Berry, M., Dylla, D. J. C., Barth, R. P., & Needell, B. (1998). The role of open adoption in the adjustment of adopted children and their families. Children and Youth Services Review, 20(1-2), 151–171. https://doi.org/10.1016/s0190-7409(97)00071-6

3. Editor. (2021, December 9). Open adoption: Advantages and benefits. American Pregnancy Association. Retrieved January 20, 2023, from https://americanpregnancy.org/child-adoption/open-adoption-advantages/#:~:text=for%20an%20adopted%20child%2c%20some%20possible%20advantages%20of,the%20adopted%20child%e2%80%99s%20sense%20of%20abandonment.%20more%20items

4. Ge, X., Natsuaki, M. N., Martin, D. M., Leve, L. D., Neiderhiser, J. M., Shaw, D. S., Villareal, G., Scaramella, L., Reid, J. B., & Reiss, D. (2008, August). Bridging the divide: Openness in adoption and postadoption psychosocial adjustment among birth and adoptive parents. Journal of family psychology: JFP : journal of the Division of Family Psychology of the American Psychological Association (Division 43). Retrieved January 21, 2023, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2638763/

5. Grotevant, H. D. (2019). Open adoption: Rethinking family. Open Adoption: Rethinking Family. Retrieved January 21, 2023, from https://www.umass.edu/ruddchair/sites/default/files/rudd.grotevant.pdf

6. Siegel, D. H., & Smith, S. L. (2012, March). Openness in adoption. Openness in Adoption From Secrecy and Stigma to Knowledge and Connections. Retrieved January 23, 2023, from https://www.adoptioninstitute.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/2012_03_OpennessInAdoption.pdf

7. Study shows rise in ‘open’ infant adoptions, with only 5% now completely ‘closed’ new report cites benefits of – and need for more knowledge about – these extended families. The Donaldson Adoption Institute. (2012, March 21). Retrieved January 21, 2023, from https://www.adoptioninstitute.org/dai-press/study-shows-rise-in-open-infant-adoptions-with-only-5-now-completely-closed-new-report-cites-benefits-of-and-need-for-more-knowledge-about-these-extended-families/