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Is Love Really Enough?

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Is Love Really Enough?

Let’s talk Pre-engagement Counseling

My husband’s uncle conducted our outdoor wedding ceremony on a quite-chilly November afternoon. I will be honest, I only heard about half of the words he said that day at the altar; I am not sure if I was shivering more from the weather or from the nerves and adrenaline. But I definitely remember the words he and his wife spoke to us over the weeks leading up to our wedding, as they met with us to talk about what not just our wedding day, but our marriage, would look like.

There were two topics that stuck with me the most in those meetings with them.

One, what is the theme of your marriage? Our wedding theme was fun to chat about, believe me, but our marriage theme was of greater importance. What did we want the world to know about who we are (and in our case, who our Lord is), from witnessing our marriage in day-to-day life?

Second, words that you vow to each other are words that matter. Whether you write your own vows or you do not, you should know what those words really mean and what you are promising. The altar should not be the first time you hear or read them. Think to yourself: are these vows ones that you can reasonably keep?

My husband and I were incredibly grateful to have multiple seasoned couples in our lives, not just his aunt and uncle, who took the time to slow us down and help us process what marriage meant for us.

But this experience is not the norm, and we easily could have missed out on this amazing gift of time to “plan our marriage before our wedding” (a phrase famously and consistently used by Gary Chapman, author of the Five Love Languages). My only regret is that we did not have many of these conversations sooner.

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A growing number of couples’ professionals are advocating for what is called pre-engagement counseling. Think: premarital counseling with less pressure and fewer deadlines.

After all, there are no two people more antsy and eager than a couple navigating the in-between season of “seriously dating” and “engaged.” This couple has most likely been dating for a while, and the taking-you-home-to-meet-my-mama mile marker has been successfully surpassed. They are ready for more serious conversations about their futures.

But unfortunately, once that coveted ring appears, time jumps to warp speed and the couple now feels completely tethered to the burgeoning plans for this surreal and fleeting fairytale moment they’ve set for the future. It consumes much of their time, energy, and mental space.

During the engagement phase, couples are much less likely to pause and seriously consider the details of what day-to-day life together will actually look like.

A Focus on the Family article on pre-engagement indicates that “we’ve found that couples who are already engaged are far less inclined to take an in-depth, honest look at their relationship” [10].

After all, deposits have been made on cakes and venues, and Save-the-Dates sent to family and friends. Once couples have announced their engagement, the focus quickly moves toward wedding preparation instead of marriage preparation.

Thus, I present to you a case for pre-engagement counseling in lieu (or at least as a precursor to) premarital counseling.

Elizabeth Busby, a Dallas-based marriage and family therapist who specializes in pre-engagement counseling, shares that pre-engagement counseling

can help couples feel more confident in their discernment of a spouse, it can help them be better prepared for marriage, and it can allow them the flexibility to use their engagement to plan their wedding while also diving deeper into more intimate topics of discussion beyond the basics of traditional marriage prep. [1]

The call for this type of counseling has, in my opinion, never been more important. As the average age for marriage continues to rise (which is currently 28 years old for females and 30 for males) [13], people are spending more years solidifying their individualistic views and modes of operating in daily life as a single person. While there are generally positive aspects to this, such as maturity and better financial standing prior to marriage, it also means that couples are entering into marriage with their adulthood habits and worldviews more firmly concreted.

This requires some honest and open conversations prior to entering into the covenant of marriage.

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Let’s put this all into perspective.

In 2021, the average couple in the United States spent between $28,000-$34,000 on their weddings and were engaged for about 14 months [8]. It is no secret that the wedding industry is booming.

But despite all these resources being funneled into the vision of a perfect day, few couples stop to consider what resources are being invested into their lifelong marriage.

Even though research reflects that premarital counseling is a predictor of “lower divorce rates, lower relationship conflict, and higher quality in [your] relationship” [2,7], it remains to be an investment that only a minority of couples choose to make.

An iconic study from 2003 identifies a 30% rate of higher marital satisfaction in couples that completed premarital counseling [3]. It also claims that 92% of couples who utilized premarital counseling found it helpful [3].

So where is the disconnect?

My theory is that many couples “don’t know what they don’t know,” and assume that counseling is primarily for couples with actively hostile relationships. If couples seem compatible and things are going well prior to engagement or marriage, counseling is not necessarily something top-of-mind. Counseling is for other people, they assume.

But what if my relationship is already top-notch?

Couples can appear incredibly compatible in most areas of life, but maybe have not discussed topics such as personal finances and debt, managing in-law relationships, parenting styles, or simply how to share household chores.

These are just a few of the topics that a trained pre-engagement or pre-marital counselor can help couples discuss.

Maybe you are not even sure where to begin or what topics to focus on. No problem. Your counselor can help you there, too, using a variety of assessments or simple questionnaires to tailor your experience to your individual relationship.

And the good news is, this type of counseling is beneficial for any couple. Maybe you wish you’d had the experience of pre-engagement counseling.

You do not have to wait for heated disagreements to arise in your marriage to seek out counseling. These are sessions that you can seek out at any time to simply build strengths-based approaches to nurturing a healthy marriage or relationship.

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For someone who has never attended a counseling session (or even for someone who has), pre-engagement counseling can be daunting. Here are some facts and quick things to expect.

 

A few things to consider if you have never been in couples therapy before:

– Finding a therapist who specializes in couples, pre-engagement, or premarital counseling is ideal. Many of these therapists utilize specific assessments such as Prepare-Enrich [11] and are trained in guiding couples using specialized data. They can target discussions toward your individualized needs.

– A couple’s therapist views the relationship as his or her primary client and should not have biases toward either party in the relationship. Due to this, I would not suggest asking one of your individual therapists to also act as your couple’s therapist. That could get sticky for everyone involved.

– Sometimes concerns arise that may need to be addressed with individual therapists, outside of couples’ counseling. This may be something such as a traumatic experience or a substance use problem. If an issue is greatly taxing on a relationship or distracting the couple from focusing on their relationship goals, a counselor may suggest that one or both of the people in the relationship see an individual counselor concurrently. Or, the therapist may suggest that the couple see individual therapists prior to continuing in couples’ counseling. While this may feel frustrating at first, the intention is to make sure both parties are in an appropriate place to focus on building relationship skills.

– Pre-engagement counseling is probably more skills-based and educational than a regular individual counseling session you may have experienced in the past.

 

Topics that may be covered in pre-engagement or pre-marital counseling:
  • Finances and money-management
  • Homeownership
  • Career goals
  • Expectations related to sex and intimacy
  • Conflict Resolution
  • Household roles and chores
  • Parenting styles, thoughts about having children
  • How families-of-origin handled conflict, holidays, vacations, etc. (How will your marriage be similar or different?)
  • Communication styles and skills
  • Problem-Solving
How can pre-engagement counseling help? It provides…
  • Open space for answering logistical questions about marriage
  • Safe Space for resolving conflicts and broaching difficult or “awkward” topics
  • Collaborative space for discussing marriage goals and general expectations
  • “The luxury of time” to explore the decision of marriage before making formal wedding plans [1].
References:

1. Busby, E. (n.d.). Pre-engagement. Discerning Marriage. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://www.discerningmarriage.com/

2. Carlson, R. G., Daire, A. P., Munyon, M. D., & Young, M. E. (2012). A comparison of cohabiting and noncohabiting couples who participated in premarital counseling using the prepare model. The Family Journal, 20(2), 123–130. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480712441588

3. Carroll, J. S., & Doherty, W. J. (2003). Evaluating the effectiveness of premarital prevention programs: A meta-analytic review of outcome research. Family Relations, 52(2), 105–118. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2003.00105.x

4. Clyde, T. L., Wikle, J. S., Hawkins, A. J., & James, S. L. (2020). The effects of premarital education promotion policies on U.S. divorce rates. Psychology, Public Policy, and Law, 26(1), 105–120. https://doi.org/10.1037/law0000218

5. Engagement: Lessons & tips for a successful engagement. Regain. (2022, December 22). Retrieved January 8, 2023, from https://www.regain.us/advice/engagement/

6. Horowitz, J. M., Livingston, G., & Graf, N. (2019, November 6). Marriage and cohabitation in the U.S. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/%C2%A0

7. Jessen, B. (2021, March 22). Is premarital counseling worth it? College of Health and Human Sciences. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://chhs.source.colostate.edu/is-premarital-counseling-worth-it/%C2%A0

8. The Knot Research & Insights Team. (2022, February 15). The knot 2021 real weddings study is here. theknot.com. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-data-insights/real-weddings-study

9. Pace, R. (2022, September 4). What you need to know about pre-engagement counseling. Marriage Advice – Expert Marriage Tips & Advice. Retrieved January 8, 2023, from https://www.marriage.com/advice/pre-marriage/pre-engagement-counseling/#Why_pre-engagement_counseling_is_better_than_pre-marital_counseling

10. Pre-engagement counseling. Focus on the Family. (2010). Retrieved January 7, 2023, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/family-qa/pre-engagement-counseling/

11. Prepare/Enrich. (2021, April 1). Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://www.prepare-enrich.com/%C2%A0

12. ReGain. (2022, December 29). What are the best pre-marriage counseling books? ReGain. Retrieved January 8, 2023, from https://www.regain.us/advice/engagement/what-are-the-best-pre-marriage-counseling-books/

13. Reports: National marriage project. The National Mariage Project. (n.d.). Retrieved January 6, 2023, from http://nationalmarriageproject.org/reports/%C2%A0

14. Richer, L. (2021, August 16). 33 premarital counseling questions (from a couples therapist) – anchor light therapy. Anchor Light Therapy Collective. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://anchorlighttherapy.com/33-premarital-counseling-questions-from-a-couples-therapist/

15. Stone, L., & Wilcox, B. (n.d.). The religious marriage paradox: Younger marriage, less divorce. Institute for Family Studies. Retrieved January 7, 2023, from https://ifstudies.org/blog/the-religious-marriage-paradox-younger-marriage-less-divorce

16. Thomas, G. (2005, January 1). Searching for a ‘sole’ mate. Focus on the Family. Retrieved January 6, 2023, from https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/searching-for-a-sole-mate/

Growing Together: How to create collective goals in a marriage and family

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A funny thing happened the other day.

Well, let me back up and share this news with you: with a little effort and prayer, my daughter is finally sleeping through the night. It has brought consistency and relief to our entire household, including her. She is bubbly and amiable and thriving. Mom and Dad feel a little more peppy, too

After about a week of this newfound shut-eye, my husband and I were offhandedly having a discussion about the upcoming weeks, including holiday plans and related responsibilities. One of us mentioned that we should take a moment to write down some family goals for the next year, and we started spitballing what could be on that list.

Suddenly, I couldn’t stop laughing. “Amazing what a few nights of sleep will do to you, right?” I said. “Here we are making long-term goals instead of rocks-paper-scissoring who will take the 4 am shift.”

We laughed it off and moved on with our discussion, but the irony stuck with me.

As you read through this article, I suggest that, firstly, you make sure that this is an appropriate time to be setting goals. You and your spouse both need to be in a place in which envisioning new areas of growth is practical and timely.

If one of you is already knee-deep in a season of other projects and responsibilities, adding new ones may not be the best idea right now (see previous blog, Faithful over a Few). “Survival mode” is not the time to start big ole, brand new goals.

Instead, consider shooting for small-scale goals.

For example.

Maybe you are one of those parents still living on very little sleep. You want to keep your house clean, but it seems insurmountable. Maybe your goal could be to clean up the main living spaces for 15 minutes at night with your spouse. Set a timer, do what you can in that 15 minutes together, then rest. You may feel better in the mornings if you can start with a cleared space. There is no need for overhauling your cabinet organization right now. You are in sleepy survival mode, after all. But you can still create some areas in which you can feel victorious and motivated to keep moving forward on this goal when you logistically can.

Maybe your family is in a season of grief, or financial hardship, or illness.

Hear me loudly: this is not your time to flip the tables on everything. This is your time to nurture each other in the ways that you best can. Your family goals should support you, not create chaos, bitterness, or frustration. Tend to each other with your goals. Try ideas such as:

A family game night once a month.

Each person takes turns choosing their favorite dinner to eat once a week.

Read 3 pages of a book together at night.

Most importantly, be creative in seeking goals that fulfill your hearts and minds. Goals are meant to support your family, not make a difficult season scarier.

And with that lengthy caveat out of the way, let’s take a look at family and marriage goal setting.

Setting goals with your spouse

One of the best questions someone asked my husband and I before we were married was What is the theme of your marriage? Plenty of other individuals asked us the theme of our wedding, of course, but this was the first time someone had asked me the theme of our marriage.

Naturally, we had to think for a moment. But we quickly agreed on the message we wanted to send to the world about what we as people, and a couple, stood for.

It was an exercise that ultimately gave us some time to consider what life would be like after the wedding day.

I think this is a fantastic question through which to begin goal-setting with your spouse. What is the theme of your marriage, and what needs to occur to better embody that theme?

Dr. Ellyn Bader with The Couples’ Institute suggests breaking down goal setting for couples into three kinds of goals [1]:

1. Having/getting

2. Being

3. Doing

Each of these three work together. Dr. Bader suggests that a couple should begin with asking each person in a relationship what they want to “have” or “get.” Next, what do you have to “be” to achieve that thing you’d like to have? Then, what do you “do” to “be” that way?

Let’s look at an example.

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What do you want to have or get?

I’d like to have more time together.

What do you have to be to achieve that?

I’d have to be more intentional, be organized with my time, and be aware of my spouse’s needs What do you have to do to “be” that way?

I can commit to scheduling 2 dates a month and put my phone away while we are eating dinner together.

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See how the questions eventually lead to specific steps that a person can take to lead toward the overall vision? This is how visions of your goals can be turned into a plan for change or growth.

And remember: Goal setting does not have to be boring, either! One year my individual New Year’s Resolution was to perfect my family’s cornbread recipe. It was a blast feeding friends on each attempt and feeling more and more accomplished each time. Plus, my husband ate a whole lot of cornbread.

So ask yourself: what is the cornbread recipe your marriage really needs? I can’t wait to hear what you decide!

Setting Goals with your Family/ children

Family goals are just that: goals that a family pursues together. And while it is important to make sure your children have some input in this endeavor, you and your spouse will need to lay some groundwork before having a whole-family discussion.

Before inviting your children into the goal-setting round-table, make sure that you have answered the question above about the theme of your marriage. From that, then ask yourselves,

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What are my family’s core values?

How can we better embody these together?

What are some activities that we can pursue as a family to help our children learn these values?

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After finding some direction on what kind of goals you think are important for your family, bring your children in on the conversation. Make it fun with a whiteboard or sticky notes! You could even have a “talking stick” or a toy gavel.

It could be helpful to share with your children some of the specific ideas you and your spouse have discussed, to see which they feel most excited about. Maybe you already have a goal chosen, and use the family session to make decisions about “when do we start?” and “what color should we use?”

Kelly Holmes, Certified Parent Educator, speaks honestly about overcoming her own reservations regarding family goal setting [2]. Like many parents, her fear was that setting family goals would just add more mental clutter and administrative tasks for her management of the family routines.

However, after finally getting her children involved in a family goal of planting a new garden, Kelly shares that,

Setting family goals transcends the daily slog of family life that can make us feel run-down and overwhelmed. Because when you’re working together towards a common goal, your connection with your family will be stronger [2].

Setting new family goals may on the surface feel like another task to weigh a parent down. But goal setting can actually serve as an enriching way to alleviate the pressure parents feel in other areas.

Connecting with your children through shared goals is about so much more than the goal at hand. It is about building communication skills, nurturing independence and autonomy, instilling value systems, and creating a sense of social interest [5]. These are all skills and attributes that, once your children have begun to master, your family life could begin to run more smoothly overall.

Kelly also shares her belief that “Connection breeds cooperation” [2]. Connecting over goal setting brings buy-in from your children and spouse and helps each member of the family feel ownership over the goal.

When children feel connected to you, their caregiver, they will feel more connected to the task at hand, and thus be more likely to cooperate. But honestly, cooperation is not even the end goal. The feeling of connectedness your child experiences with you is. This connectedness will feed into positive experiences and communication in other areas of life, as well.

I like to think about the example of decorating a family Christmas tree—a task most of us have recently tackled.

If you as the parent ask for help from your family, but then commandeer the entire design, move around every ornament someone places on the tree, and then become upset when your children don’t want to participate anymore, you have missed a vital opportunity for connection and discouraged your children from wanting to take on projects with you in the future. But what if, instead of taking complete creative control, you used the task of decorating the tree to open communication about your child’s favorite ornament, favorite Christmas memory, or even preferred kind of decorating style? A shared task, when done with intentionality and openness, builds a foundation of positive attachment that a child will benefit from for years to come.

When we invite our children into our tasks, they often rise to the occasion and find great joy in using our support to build a skillset of their own.

Even better, children with positive and secure attachment in childhood often go on to have more successful, communicative, and fulfilling relationships in adulthood [3].

So while setting goals may sound like a boring endeavor on the surface, know that the fruitfulness of it can bring long-term fulfillment and benefits to your family and children.

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Brainstorm with your spouse to determine what family goal could fit your family!

These goals can be large or small, or even silly. The following article that I found has a list of common goals, but I encourage you to use your creativity and your children’s excitement to guide you.

Ideas for family goals: https://www.wholefamilyliving.com/examples-of-family-goals/

Resources:

1. Bader, E. (n.d.). Three types of goals and their use in couples therapy. Couples Institute. Retrieved December 11, 2022, from https://www.couplesinstitute.com/three-types-of-goals-and-their-use-in-couples-therapy/

2. Holmes, K. (n.d.). Want your family to share the load? here’s the best way to get them onboard. Happy You, Happy Family. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/family-goal-setting/%C2%A0

3. Huang, S. (2022, August 26). The different types of attachment styles. Attachment Styles | Simply Psychology. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://www.simplypsychology.org/attachment-styles.html

4. Hyatte, A. (2021, October 6). 17 examples of family goals to work on this year. Whole Family Living. Retrieved December 10, 2022, from https://www.wholefamilyliving.com/examples-of-family-goals/%C2%A0

5. Lauren. (2022, February 21). 50 family goal setting ideas [examples and how-to guide]. Simply Well Balanced. Retrieved December 14, 2022, from https://simply-well-balanced.com/family-goals-how-to-guide/

Faithful over a Few: Consistency, not grand gestures, is what this new year may need from you.

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American culture beckons us toward all things shiny, newer, bigger, and better. And this does not just apply to material items, but to how we view our places in the world. Our identity, goals, relationships—even our spirituality– fall prey to our never-satiated ambition.

For many of us, ambition may begin as a healthy sense of motivation to grow and change. After all, the desire for growth is innate and a developmentally normal part of being human.

Often, however, that healthy dose of ambition can run amok and keep us from finding joy and gratitude in the present space in which we already exist.

The way we make New Year resolutions highlights this so clearly.

We love to envision ourselves as completely new people by this time next year.

We want the “before and after” photo without the “during,” and we secretly desire to the equivalent of “going viral” in whatever specific area of goal-setting we are tackling. We want big growth and we want it to be fast.

This mindset is nothing short of intoxicating, and many of us indulge in it every single January.

We create huge declarations because we believe that this is my year. Visions of our new life once we reach this one huge goal dance in our heads right alongside the sugar plums.

We think, A person is supposed to strive for the best, right?

Except, then burnout sets in by February, and we decide that maybe we are not as ambitious as we thought. This isn’t for me. Maybe next year.

Some professionals conclude that this way of thinking is addictive in itself.

Mary Bell, founder of the Center for Recovering Families in Houston, TX, once shared in an interview that she believed “achievement is the alcohol of our time” [3]. “The best people don’t abuse alcohol. They abuse their lives,” she said [3].

Mary worked with clients who were largely financially successful and struggling with detaching themselves from the highs and lows of high-dollar business deals. While that profile may not fit most of us, the sentiment remains the same.

Go for broke, we say. Go all in. Be that new person in 6 months flat and everything will be better. It is yours to claim.

Like I said: intoxicating, right? But it does not have to be this way. We do not have to ride the roller coaster of all-ins and hitting-rock-bottoms.

What if, sometimes, goal-setting should really about slowly growing what we already have?

I recently saw something online that asked questions such as this:

How are you stewarding the things that you already possess?

You want a new couch—but are you taking care of the older one you already have?

You want a new house—but are you caring for this one?

So I tried to ask myself these same kinds of questions about the less-tangible aspects of my life:

Lord, send me close friendships.

Are you nurturing the ones I have already set before you for a specific kingdom reason?

Lord, I crave rest.

Your screen time was up 20% last week.

Help my daughter have a better temperament today. She seems fussy for no reason.

You, my daughter, come to me grumpy all the time.

Now, this is not to say God does not continue to give good things to His children even when we do not manage our current blessings well (Matthew 711:). His relationship with us is not directly transactional in nature like that.

BUT.

I do think that a close and honest look at our stewardship of the things God has given us may have an even more beneficial impact than setting completely new, outrageously ambitious goals: It will help in the sanctification of our own hearts and growth in the areas He has already placed before us.

I am reminded of the parable of the talents in the Bible, which you can read about in the book of Matthew, chapter 25.

A quick summary on this story:

Three men were given a differing number of talents (talents were a monetary denomination of the time) from their employer. The first two men used the talents they were given to grow a profit, and when their employer returned they were praised.

The last man claimed that he felt “afraid” and hid his talent so that he would not lose it or use it wrongly. He was brutally rebuked by this employer upon his return.

In our current discussion, there are a few things about this parable that stand out to me.

First, our talents and blessings are not meant to be hoarded.

Second, God expects us to use what He entrusts us with to build up his kingdom.

Thirdly, ignoring what we have been given for a reason can be foolish

I am completely conjecturing here, but I cannot help but wonder what the third guy was doing while just sitting on his unused talent. Was he seeking other gifts not from the Lord? Was he striving after goals completely unrelated? Or was he just lazy? Regardless, he ignored the good and beneficial gift that was freely, purposefully given to him. What he was doing instead, who knows. But it is a shame that he was distracted from pursuing growth with this beautiful gift.

My prayer for us all is that we have eyes to see the places we can better steward what is placed before us, without distractions or fear. May we come to hear from the Lord,

“Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much” (Matthew 25:23b)

This year, I beckon you to find a goal that focuses on nurturing an area of your life left a little untended lately.

Goals are not always about re-creating, but can also be about recommitting.

Here are some things to remember as you ponder this re-commitment challenge.

– Consistency, not one-time displays of ambition, is what will create change. Think about your end goal. Let’s say you desire a stronger relationship with your extended family. What are the tiny things in your control that can lead to that? This is where your path to consistency lies. Identify one or two of those tiny things and do them diligently.

  • Make yourself a personal policy. For example, on Tuesdays I call my grandma on the way to work. Not, I want to call my grandma more, or sometimes I call on the way to work. Nope, make the policy. Do the task. The benefits will come. James Clear, author of Atomic Habits, says that “if you commit to a task rather than thinking about a desire, you get something done” [2]. Think in Mean Girls terms: “On Wednesdays we wear pink.” No questions asked. It’s just what we do.
  • Know that you will not be perfect. Your schedule may change and you forget to call Grandma a few times. Change the policy, not the goal. Keep moving forward. Calling on Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays does not mean that you failed.
  • Garner support. Who will gently remind you to stay consistent? It should be someone who knows and respects your worldview and how your goals for consistency reflect that worldview. Who is the person who will say, How is your grandma this week? Who is the person who will take a vested interest in your goal to reconnect with family? Lean into these relationships.
  • There is no shame in using reminders to help you. It does not mean you don’t love Grandma if you need to use a preset phone alarm every Tuesday morning. It means you care enough about connecting with her that you will use extra means to do so.

Most importantly, ask yourself:

In what small things can you be faithful this year?

To read more from us about Measuring Growth and Goal Setting, read this article from our archive, 10 Tips for Measuring Personal Growth.

References:

1. Clear, J. (n.d.). The magic of committing to a specific goal. James Clear. Retrieved December 3, 2022, from https://jamesclear.com/magic-of-committing%C2%A0

2. Keller, T. (2011). The seduction of success. In Counterfeit gods: The empty promises of money, sex, and power, and the only hope that matters. essay, Riverhead Books.

3. Rubin, H. (1998, September 30). Success and excess – fast company. Fast Company. Retrieved December 4, 2022, from https://www.fastcompany.com/35583/success-and-excess