Author: ChristianWorks

The Unique Complications of Grief After a Suicide

Posted on | by ChristianWorks

Every grief has its own unique complications. Whatever the mourner struggles with most emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually is that mourner’s grief complicators. But, for the thousands of mourners affected by the estimated 32,000 suicides a year in the U.S., the grief of suicide is uniquely complicated. For survivors, grief can be overwhelming and the healing process particularly challenging. While grief can lack a predictable pattern or timetable, there are elements that are often shared by survivors as they work through the trauma of loss by suicide.

Shock

Often survivors’ initial reaction is shock and disbelief. Denial allows the mourner to accept the reality of the loss that they can at that time. Gradually, recognition and acceptance of the reality sets in, though for some, shock is experienced repeatedly as the survivor bounces back and forth from recognition to denial.

Anger

Many survivors feel angry at the loved one who has committed suicide for leaving them and inflicting emotional pain. This anger is understandable. Anger is simply not liking how things are, and this feeling is justifiable in the case of survivors. Moving toward forgiveness is an important step in the healing process.

Guilt

Guilt can be one of the most difficult emotions associated with suicide loss. Survivors often blame themselves for not recognizing warning signs, not providing the person with the help and support they needed or not having taken steps to prevent the suicide.

The extent of guilt is often dependent on the nature of the relationship the bereaved had with the victim prior to the suicide. Experts stress that it is important to recognize that you are not responsible for the person’s actions.

Depression

Intense sadness and depression often follow the death of a loved one. The stigma and misconceptions associated with suicide can prevent the survivor from seeking needed support. Studies have shown survivors to be more prone to depression than those not affected by a suicide, which places them at greater risk of complicated grief and suicide themselves.

Finding meaning or purpose in the life of the loved one and the grieving process can help survivors make sense of the trauma and work through depression.

Feelings that are common in survivors of suicide:

  • Overwhelming sadness
  • Loneliness
  • Guilt and/or regrets
  • Rejection or abandonment
  • Confusion
  • Shame
  • Anger
  • A lack of support and dealing with the stigma of suicide
  • Dealing with severe trauma

Remember that survivors of suicide have a greater risk than many other losses to death of the following:

  • Major depression
  • Post-traumatic stress disorder
  • Suicidal ideation and/or behavior
  • Prolonged complicated grief

At ChristianWorks for Children our mission is to represent the goodness of God to children and their families by continuing Jesus Christ’s example of service. Click here to learn more about our programs and support groups. Our adult grief support group Love Never Dies offers support to anyone over the age of 18 who is experiencing grief and loss.

When a Death Occurs in the Life of a Child

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 If you are a parent or loved one who must tell a child the news of someone’s death:

  1. Tell the child in terms that he or she can understand that the person has died using age appropriate language. “Susie was very sick, and her body couldn’t go on working, so she died.” “Your mom was in a car accident, and her body was so hurt that her heart stopped working, and she died.” “Your dad’s heart became very sick suddenly, and he died.”
  2. Allow the child to ask any question and/or express any feeling. If a child says, “I HATE that doctor for letting mommy die!” an appropriate response is, “I wish mommy hadn’t died, too.” This is not an appropriate time to correct the child about saying hate. If a child says, “When will mommy come back?” say, “Mommy can’t come back since she died. Died means her spirit has gone to heaven to be with God” (or an explanation that is appropriate in your value system). Allowing a child to express feelings will keep communication open. Correcting the child or shaming them for expressing a feeling will shut them down and prevent further discussion about the death.

If you are a staff member at a school:

  1. Always tell news of this sort in person. To deliver this news over an intercom is inappropriate.
  2. Be sure a child who has received bad news is companioned until a parent or loved one gets there to be with him/her.
  3. Be honest about what has happened. “Susie has died.” “Brent’s mother has died.” Use language that leaves no need for interpretation, rather than using euphemisms. Say the words dead, dying, death, died, instead of “passed away,” “we lost him,” etc. Children need the clarity.
  4. Put out a public notice in the form of a letter to parents informing them of what has occurred. Provide suggestions for how to talk to their children about what has happened.
  5. Allow the child to talk about what has occurred, remember the person who has died, and/or ask questions. “I don’t know” is an appropriate answer to children’s questions. Be prepared for younger children to ask questions, such as, “When will Susie come back to school?” since younger children do not understand the permanence of death.

Include children in funeral/memorial rituals:

  1. Participation in ritual is helpful to a child. Allow children to participate in funeral/memorial rituals to the degree they have the ability. Allow even young children to attend a funeral/memorial. Prepare them in advance for what the service will be like:
    • There will be lots of people who knew Grandpa there and some will be crying because they are sad that Grandpa has died.
    • Someone will speak about Grandpa, and what is said may make you sad, which is okay, and it is okay to cry.
    • There will be a box called a casket at the front, and it has Grandpa’s body in it. His body no longer has Grandpa’s spirit in it, so we will bury his body at the cemetery, but his spirit lives on in our memory, is in heaven, etc.
    • There will be a picture of Grandpa at the front of the room to remind us how much we loved him. We are going to put some of his favorite things on the table with his picture. Can you think of something you would like to see on the table with his picture that reminds you of Grandpa?
  2. Allow older children to help plan the service and participate if they choose.
  3. If a friend or family member expresses an opinion of how children should be treated during this time, and it is contrary to your opinion, simply state that you have considered what is in the best interest of the child and ask the friend or family member please not to second guess your decision to include the child in the rituals. Children like to be included and are hurt when they excluded from the goodbye rituals. Participation in ritual allows the child to grieve with other members of the family.
  4. Even if a child plays during a viewing or the funeral, do not assume the child is not absorbing what is going on around him or is not grieving. Children grieve through play because they lack the language to express their feelings verbally.
  5. Following a funeral/memorial include children in visits to the cemetery. Older children may choose not to go a second time, but they should be given an opportunity to go if they choose.

Receiving ongoing support:

Society limits grieving time to three working days it seems. Grief lasts much longer. Just ask anyone who has experienced the death of a loved one. Ongoing support can be found in grief support groups for adults if the grieving person is an adult. Children can find grief support through programs such as:

GriefWorks, Dallas, Dallas County, Texas

Journey of Hope, Plano, Collin County, Texas

The Warm Place, Ft. Worth, Tarrant County, Texas

Two to three months following the death is an appropriate time to seek ongoing support for children. Participation in a program too early may result in a family’s inability to bear their own pain, and hearing the stories of other grieving families may further burden a family. Two to three months gives a family time to begin healing with the natural help of shock and numbness.

Also, many family members and friends are present immediately after the death, then loved ones return to their own routines. Children benefit from all the resources available to them when they are grieving the loss of someone they loved. In addition, adult family members need support in order to heal their own grief and may not have the ability to be as present for a child as they would like because of their own grief.

Having ongoing support gives a family opportunity to have help as they journey through grief. Grieving people will not endure seemingly unbearable pain indefinitely. They will return to the business of living and find good in life again in time. Ongoing support helps them on their journey and also helps them see down the road to a time of healing and hope.

Rights of Children in Divorce

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The right to be treated as interested and affected persons, not as pawns or possessions.

The right to love each parent, without feeling guilt, pressure or rejection.

The right to love, care, discipline and protection from both parents.

The right not to be asked to choose sides or decide where they want to live.

The right to express their feelings about the divorce, such as anger, sadness or fear.

The right to a positive and constructive on-going relationship with each parent.

The right not to have to make adult decisions.

The right to remain children, without being asked to take on parental responsibilities or to be adult companions or friends to their parents.

The right to the most adequate level of economic support that can be provided by the best efforts of both parents.

The right not to be drawn into the painful games parents play to hurt each other.

The right not to be put in the middle of parents’ battles.

The right to learn appropriate behavior from their parents’ examples.

The right to make friends and participate in school and community activities.

The right to succeed in school and prepare themselves for independence.

The right to know their origins and to form a personal identity based on their experiences.

Adapted from a decision of the Wisconsin Supreme Court expanded by Judy Branch, M.S.C.F.C.S. and Lawrence G. Shelton, PhD

Learn more about KidWorks and how you can help Kids In Divorce.