“Grieving children have to find their own way through the land of grief. But they need us to help them discover their own power to do so: to help them figure out their own understanding of what’s happened, experience their own feelings of grief, develop their courage, and find their way home to a new place that feels safe yet is still connected to their old life and to the person who died.”
Guiding Your Child Through Grief (Mary Ann Emswiler and James P. Emswiler)
As the Fort Worth GriefWorks coordinator, I am given the incredible opportunity to walk alongside and support families who are navigating the death of a loved one. I have been in spaces where the brave question is muttered…”How am I going to talk to my child about this?” Most parents have an innate desire to protect and shield their children (and possibly themselves) from things that inflict pain. When death inserts itself into your family, your knee-jerk reaction may be to avoid the topic as a way to shield your children, but I am here to encourage you to fight this urge. I want to empower you to sit in these hard spaces with your child(ren) because of the imperative growth and trust it will build within your child and family. You can do it! Here are some tips to guide you in these “death” conversations.
General Guidelines For All Ages When Talking About Death
Healing from and growing through loss requires age-appropriate, open communication about what happened and what happens now. Why are these conversations so important? For one, information will give children and adolescents a sense of control and can calm their fears. When death takes place in a child’s life, the world they were living in no longer feels safe and may feel like it’s spiraling out of control. When those feelings are sustained in a child’s life for a long period of time, it is neither socially nor developmentally healthy. By creating a safe place to learn about the death, parents and caregivers have an opportunity to rebuild trust and consistency. Unfortunately, if we don’t create a space to talk to our children about the loss, they will fill in the blanks by themselves. They may seek the answers to their “unknowns” from their peers or make things up on their own, leading to a potentially dangerous understanding of their loss.
Communicating with children about death and their personal relationship to it gives them permission to express their feelings. Grief comes in waves for children and adolescents and by establishing a pattern of healthy communication early on, children will feel more comfortable coming to you when they want to talk about their loss. Additionally, good and open communication from the beginning of a child’s grief journey will help in preparing them for future losses by having a clear understanding of what death is and that they are supported in their grief journey.
Grief presents itself differently in every person, but it also appears differently through different developmental stages. Here is a helpful breakdown for each developmental age range that can guide your grief/death conversations.
Communication with Babies/Toddlers
It is a common misconception that if a child is too young to understand death, then they are too young to grieve. Although, a baby’s grieving symptoms may present as being uncharacteristically fussy, not sleeping well, or not nursing/eating well. It is important to check with your doctor first to eliminate any potential medical concerns with your infant/child. If the baby’s pediatrician cannot find any concerns, and the baby’s caregiver is grieving, there is a possibility the baby is also grieving. This is because babies are extremely receptive to the moods and feelings of their caregiver and can tell when they are upset. Death commonly disrupts people’s everyday rhythms and babies will notice and react when the rhythm or schedule of their day is different. Additionally, babies become accustomed to certain smells and sounds and when these sensory comforts disappear, it may confuse and upset them.
So, why am I writing all of this in a blog discussing communicating with children about death? Because we can communicate with this age group through our actions. Do your best to maintain as many rhythms and routines that you held prior to the loss of your loved one. It is also important as a caregiver to a grieving baby that you first deal with your own worries, fears, and anxiety. This is because 1) Stress is contagious to your young child and 2) You deserve to feel supported, healthy, and prioritized. As a grieving caregiver, you bear a lot of weight and it’s vital that you are taking care of yourself and reaching out for help when you need it. This takes bravery- and you are inherently brave, strong, and courageous.
Communication with Preschool Aged Children
At this age, the communications with your child about death will revolve mostly around the concept of death itself. Young children at this age typically do not realize the finality of death. It is important that when you answer questions about death from your preschooler, that you are factual. While these conversations may feel hard or dark to you, your child needs an adult in their life to walk with them as they make sense of this new and confusing concept. When explaining death to your child, you should explain that death is irreversible and that it is universal. Every person and every living thing will die one day. It may also be helpful to explain that death means the body does not work anymore. Their loved one is not sleeping or sick, but rather their heart does not beat anymore, their eyes cannot see, their lungs cannot breathe, etc. Use explicit words such as “dead” and “died” as opposed to euphemisms like “lost” and “passed away”. Children are concrete thinkers so they will need concrete language. It is also important to note that if you notice that your preschool aged child begins holding a pattern of magical thinking about death (i.e. If I do ___, mommy will come back. OR I was mad at mommy, so she died. OR Grandpa died because he was sick, so will I die if I get sick?), this is normal, but you should clearly communicate to them that these beliefs are untrue and reiterate the facts of death. If a child continues on with these beliefs, their grief can turn confusing and unhealthy.
Communication with Elementary Aged Children
You may find that your child is asking more questions about death and dying at this age. They may be asking specific questions about decaying, funerals, cremations, and the specifics of what happened to your loved one. While these questions may make you uncomfortable, it is best to be honest with your responses. A good rule of thumb is that a child will ask a question when they are ready for the answer. It is their way of sharing with you that they are ready to learn. If their questions go unanswered, they will use their imagination to come up with an answer themselves, which can be dangerous. When you provide answers to their questions, respond only to the details they are asking about. Keep your responses plain and simple, you do not want to over complicate or over detail your answers, but rather follow the child’s lead. And remember- it is okay to say, “I don’t know the answer to that question, but I will find out for you.”
Communication with Middle School Aged Children
Middle school age is already a tumultuous time for most adolescents. They are changing every day and overthinking most. When a child of this age is searching for their own identity and grieving, they may run into confusion on how they are “supposed” to grieve. As they often do with their general identity, these adolescents may be looking to adults of their own gender or to unspoken cultural rules/norms for how they should be grieving. Young boys of this age may start to believe that they should be grieving alone and that it would be weak or unhelpful to cry. Young girls may connect with a message that communicates they should be prioritizing taking care of others first, even at the expense of themselves and their grief journey. As their caregiver, it is important to keep the general guidelines to grief communication (mentioned above) in mind, and to also remember that what you demonstrate at home will hold the most weight with them. Try your best to model for them what healthy grieving looks like and hold conversations about good grief and bad grief.
Communication with Teenagers
The best advice I can give about communicating with your teen about death is to just be there. At this stage, teens already understand the concepts of death and will be facing the “why” question more than the “how”. Teenagers spend most of this developmental stage seeking ways to become independent. While they may spend quite a bit of time searching for meaning on their own, they will periodically be looking for safe spaces to come back to process. The book, “Guiding Your Child Through Grief” describes this process as being the anchor in which your teen can moor their “emotional boat”, sail away for a little bit, and then come back to anchor again when they need to (M. Emswiler and J. Emswiler, 2000). Reiterate to your teen that you are open and ready to talk about all that they are feeling without judgment, and whenever they’re ready.
But what if they aren’t opening up? They seem to be shutting down? Are they mad at me?
A teenager may feel uncomfortable opening up to their caregiver about death because they don’t want to upset them. It is commonly their way of protecting surviving family members. They may want to appear strong to you and not cause what they believe to be further sadness or pain. So then what? It is still important that adolescents have people in their lives that they can share their grief with. If it feels like you may not be that person for your teen, that is okay. Encourage other trusted adults in your teen’s life (i.e. teachers, coaches, counselors, church members, etc.) to check in on your teenager and their grief. You may find that your teen feels more comfortable sharing their thoughts about death and loss to someone outside of their home.
Grief Support Groups
Another opportunity to support your adolescent’s grief and foster conversations with them about death and dying is to attend a grief support group. Adolescents and caregivers will be in groups with individuals around their own age who have similar experiences with death. This environment provides an aspect of relatability to others, a space to share your honest feelings about death, and tools to help yourself and your child as you navigate your grief journey.
If you are interested in an opportunity to join a free grief support group in the DFW area, please complete the “GriefWorks In-take Form” on our website. This program offers age-appropriate groups for littles, middles, teens, and adults. We would love to have you and your family join our GriefWorks support groups in either Dallas or Fort Worth so we can support you and your family as you learn about death and what a life with grief looks like.
